<< back to Discipline

"I Hate You!" Helping Children Deal With Anger
By Kathleen Stebbins, M.S.

Five year old Emily played quietly with her favorite cars and trucks, creating a make-believe village of roads and buildings. Then her two year old brother, Ben, ran through her game, destroying her hard morning’s work. She grabbed the closest truck, threw it at him, and screamed, "I hate you, Ben. You wreck everything!" Her harried mother ran to pick up the screaming toddler and yelled, "No, Emily, you bad girl. You know better than that! What is the matter with you today? Go to your room! I don’t even want to see you right now." Emily burst into tears, turned and ran up the stairs, sobbing, "It’s not fair. He did it." Her exasperated mother took a deep breath, shook her head, exhaling loudly. "Now what?" she thought. "I just don’t understand where all this anger comes from."

What is anger?

What is anger all about? How is it expressed appropriately and inappropriately? What messages are communicated to children by parents’ inappropriate response to anger?

Anger is a basic core feeling. Other recognizable core feelings are sadness, fear, loneliness, guilt, and happiness. Anger is our biological response to a violation of our personal boundaries. As such, it is a valuable tool for protection, both physically and emotionally. It is a positive signal that we need to pay attention to an arising issue. Realizing this leads to an internal awareness of our needs and the possibility of a healthy management of anger.

In our society, emotions are seen as either good or bad. When the outcome of an emotion is happiness, that is seen as positive. When an emotion leads to disruption and unhappiness, that is seen as bad. Anger is viewed as a negative rather than a positive force. Girls, especially are taught that it is not feminine and ladylike to get mad. "Good little girls don’t act like that." On the other hand, the societal message given to boys is that aggression is a "boy thing." There are seldom serious consequences for boys pushing, shoving, grabbing, or throwing objects. After all, "boys will be boys."

In the example, Ben ruined Emily’s play. He showed no respect for her imaginary game. Her boundaries were violated and, as such, her anger was an appropriate response. In the case of Emily‘s mother, the safety of her children is a very clear and necessary personal boundary. Emily violated this boundary by hurting Ben. It was entirely appropriate for her mother to become angry with Emily. So, what then was wrong here? It was not the resulting anger, but the response to the anger that created the problem. Emily’s physical reaction was dangerous. Her mother’s verbal assault was emotionally hurtful.

When anger is expressed inappropriately

If anger is not expressed appropriately, it can be a frightening thing, leading to violence and destruction. The response to a violation may be out of proportion to the severity of the violation. What would be a minor annoyance becomes a full-blown rage. In the heat of the moment, we often don’t think of the negative effects of our quick response to anger. This is true for children and adults alike. We get upset, we react, and then we’re left to deal with the hurtful consequences.

What are the effects on our children of inappropriately expressed anger, both ours and theirs? Emily, for example, learned a number of things about anger—the most important of which is that it is a bad thing. It was never explained to Emily that throwing the truck was dangerous and therefore a bad thing to do. What she learned, however, is that anger itself is bad. She also learned that it is ok to be sad and cry. We usually don’t label our children bad for crying. Often, as parents, we comfort our children when they are sad. The societal message is that sadness won’t get you into trouble and it is safer to be sad than to be angry. However, the consequences of learning to swallow our anger are dangerous ones. We need to understand that anger turned inward becomes sadness. If anger is left unexpressed, the sadness that develops can become a pattern for childhood and adult depression. This depression is recognizable by feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, disinterest in formerly pleasurable activities, guilt, and hopelessness. Unexpressed anger, then, either builds and builds, like a volcano waiting to erupt, with pent-up emotion and energy, or it turns into tears and feelings of isolation ("nobody understands me").

Learning about feelings

The positive outcome of teaching our children to express their anger appropriately is that we give them permission to have feelings. They learn that they have the right to express these feelings in a non-destructive manner. This is a fundamental lesson in self-care. There are no right or wrong feelings—they are simply our feelings. Children need to learn that they can feel anger and hate and that it won’t destroy the people they love. They need to know that they will be respected for their feelings, but that they must live within the parameters of safe behavior. They learn that, in order to have healthy relationships, they must learn self-control. By teaching that anger can be a positive force in their lives, they learn it is healthy to strive for a deeper understanding of our needs as individuals. They learn that to say "I am mad at you" clears the air. It doesn’t foster stored up resentments and later outbursts. It allows one to move on through that emotion to the next exciting venture!

How can parents help children deal with their anger?

There are many ways that parents can help children to control their anger. A first step is to name the feeling as anger, helping children to identify that anger is indeed a feeling. For example, Emily’s mother could say, "Emily, I know that you are angry at Ben for ruining your game. But it is not ok to hit him or throw things at him."

The next step is to ask the child where in his body he feels the anger. This is an important cue for helping children learn to head off later outbursts. If a child realizes that when his face gets hot or his chest feels tight, that is a warning that he is getting upset. Then he can learn to remove himself from the potentially explosive outburst or situation.

Another technique is to encourage a child to express anger non-verbally. Drawing, as a means of expression, is very cathartic. Scribbling is excellent, too, as there are no expectations that it should look like anything. Older children can be encouraged to write a story or write in a journal . Let them know that it is private and they don’t need to share what they‘ve written. Preschoolers could dictate a story to an adult. Here is what Emily dictated to her mother: "My brother is dumb and can’t even tie his shoes. He takes my things and messes up my games. I don’t know why I ever agreed to have a baby brother."

Physically expressive outlets for anger could be hitting a pillow or stuffed animal. You might encourage a child to say out loud, "I am mad!" Counting to ten and taking deep breaths actually increases the oxygen in the brain and is an effective way to cool down those hot thoughts that keep children stirred up. Taking a time out is another good way to help children cool down. Suggest they play alone or go to their room for a little while. Encourage this as a healthy choice rather than a punishment. If they learn to ask for time alone, they are on the way to understanding their anger. Modeling this behavior is a wonderful teaching tool, as well. For example, Mom could say, "Emily, I am too angry to talk to you right now. I need to sit by myself for a few minutes to cool down. I’ll talk to you in a little bit." The message is that it’s normal to be angry, but that it must be expressed safely. This is a life-long lesson in knowing about ourselves and how to conduct ourselves in the world of relationships.