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"Can I Have Another Drink of Water?" Beating the Bedtime Blues
by Nina Chaitin

Ideally, bedtime for young children is the calm conclusion of the day. Parents dream of that special, cozy time when their sleepy, pajama-clad little ones are lovingly tucked into bed with a kiss and, perhaps, a story before parents spend the rest of the evening in adult activity. In reality, a majority of families experience conflict and frustration every day, all day, as a result of the issue of how and when bedtimes will occur.

As a first step in making the nightly ritual of preparation for sleep a happy and relaxed part of the day, parents must understand what children need and then design the end of the day with care and thoughtfulness.

Young children need predictability and routine in their lives. They derive a sense of security from the knowledge that mealtimes, playtimes, rest and sleep happen at approximately the same time each day. They must be reassured that adults will help them stay within those routines and that limits will be set and adults will expect children to conform to those limits. Rigidity is not necessary. In fact, slight changes in the nightly schedule are not only realistic, but constructive, as they enable the family to adjust to changing circumstances and they give children experience with flexibility.

Adults know that children require adequate rest in order to be healthy and happy. It is up to parents and caregivers to insure that children have enough quiet time and sleep each day. How, then, can we help children enjoy the end of the day? Here are three steps that parents can take as they tackle the problem of bedtimes.

1. Prepare your child for the transition from the active part of the day to quiet time. No one, adult or child, likes to be thrown from one activity into another without some advanced warning. Adults have the knowledge and experience to pace themselves so that psychologically they are ready when the time comes to change activities. However, most young children do not yet have this ability. Adults need to prepare children for an anticipated change.

Give your child a few warnings, such as, "Soon it will be time to get ready for bed" or "After dinner, we will put pajamas on." Hearing a warning allows the child to have an internal plan for the remainder of his day.

Many families find that, rather than being relaxed and orderly at the end of the day, the evening scene is filled with anxiety, chaos, and disorder. Tension reigns as youngsters become demanding and irritable, while parents feel resentful, angry, and stressed. Often at that time of day, parents are anxious to get the kids to bed as soon as possible. However, it's important to understand that rushing children to bed can backfire. Focused preparation is usually the most successful route to a peaceful end of the day and an uneventful night.

2. Plan for quiet activities for the hour or so before bedtime. Baths, reading or telling stories, singing or talking are better choices than roughhousing activities, which tend to be overstimulating.

Children can spend the time right before going to bed with parents or caregivers on some nights and alone on others. Indeed, a variety of pre-bedtime activities is good so that children do not become dependent on having a parent always available or needing to have the same story or series of rituals each night. Children should be encouraged to relax by themselves before sleep, by looking at a book or listening to a tape alone.

3. Give a firm message that your child will be going to bed and that he or she will be safe. Frequently, children have trouble going to sleep and sleeping through the night because of separation anxiety. Children may complain about nighttime fears, such as fear of the dark, noises, or monsters under the bed. Parents are naturally sympathetic to these troublesome issues, but by responding to these issues inappropriately, they may inadvertently help their child form habits that add to bedtime woes. These habits include the need to sleep with the parents, continually getting up and refusing to go back to bed, or needing a parent to stay in the room until the child is asleep.

To avoid or end these difficult situations, parents can reassure children that they will be safe and cared for during the night. Use such phrases as: "We always care for you," "We check on you several times each night," and "We keep you safe." These reassurances must be coupled with the clear message that people need to sleep in whatever physical arrangement has been provided for the individual household. For example, "Mommy and Daddy sleep in their bed, your sister sleeps in her bed and you sleep in your bed. We will all see each other in the morning." By delivering this firm message, the adult helps the child obtain internal control and confidence, which he needs to put himself to sleep.

Parents often misunderstand that, although it is their responsibility to establish the appropriate environment for sleep and to clarify the rules and expectations for bedtime in their family, it is the child who must assume responsibility for putting himself to sleep.

Inform your child, "Today is a new day. We all know that at 8:00 p.m., the day ends and it is time to sleep. Tonight, this is what we will do." Include your child in the planning. Let him know that you will help him with having the lights, favorite stuffed animals, and door positions the way he likes them, so that he feels comfortable, but that then it will be time for bed. During the night, respond to requests from your child with a purposeful meeting of his needs, but do not extend bathroom trips, drinks of water or reassurance following bad dreams to socialize and provide individual attention, as this can quickly become addictive.

If you empower children to be in charge of their rest and sleep, the entire family will benefit. And maybe those dreams of a smooth and cozy bedtime will at last come true.