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<< back to Parenting/Family Issues BIRTH ORDER: DOES IT REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR CHILD’S PERSONALITY'S Returning recently from a trip to the East Coast, I couldn't help but overhear the woman seated in front of me on the plane as she shared childrearing stories with a young mother. Several times during the course of the conversation, she referred to one of her adult children as a "typical firstborn" and she then proceeded to elaborate with a few key adjectives: high achiever, eager to please, conscientious, responsible. I smiled to myself as I heard her comments, as I know that I have made similar ones regarding my own four children. The subject of how birth order might influence a child's personality and socialization skills is an increasingly popular and fascinating one. Numerous studies have been done on the topic, and, although the specific findings are varied, it is apparent that a child's ordinal position in the family can certainly have a significant impact on his/her overall behavior in both the family as well as other social settings. My personal interest in the concept of birth order and its impact on behavior can probably be traced back to my own childhood experiences. As the third child in a family of six children, I was intent on following every rule to the letter, compromising whenever necessary, and making every attempt to be "a good girl" who never created any problems. My younger sister, on the other hand, was also a middle child, but her approach was radically different in that she was argumentative and stubborn, rebelling at every opportunity. While it appeared that we could not have been more different (sharing a room was quite a challenge!), it seems obvious to me now that we were both intent on engaging in attention-seeking behavior. We needed to establish our own identity among so many other siblings, and we chose radically different ways to accomplish that objective. I am sure that all of us, as adults, can look back on our own family experiences and find a connection between our behavior and our sibling relationships. Were you a firstborn, often referred to as a natural leader? Or a middle child, with a strong ability to compromise and negotiate? Perhaps you were the youngest in a large family and are more of a "free spirit." All of these qualities have been identified by researchers as prevalent in certain ordinal positions. Yet determining a consistent and predictable trait for any of these groups is not an easy task. Birth order affects development Meri Wallace, author of Birth Order Blues (1999), describes birth order as having a powerful effect upon the way children view themselves, how they establish relationships with others as well as their overall development. She has characterized firstborns as high achievers with an overwhelming need to stay on top and to be the center of attention. They tend to be bossy with peers and have difficulty sharing possessions as well as friends. They are protective of their space and often long for solitude. Wallace describes middle-borns as needing to gain acceptance, either by entertaining others and engaging in disruptive, attention-seeking behavior or, conversely, by avoiding confrontation and attempting to appease others. They are more likely to give in and gain favor by pleasing others and are often highly skilled at negotiating. Youngest children, according to Wallace's studies, may strive to be the center of attention by talking non-stop and being unable to allow others to participate. However, they may also believe that they can never measure up to the achievements of their older siblings, causing them to avoid competitive situations entirely and choose friends who do not threaten them. Other researchers have identified different types of characteristics. Walter Toman, author of Family Constellation (1993), for instance, determined that oldest and only children identify more strongly with parents and teachers than do later born children. These children tend to do what adults expect of them. They generally have a more subdued temperament as well as a greater tolerance for frustration, having learned to postpone or renounce pleasures for the benefit of their younger siblings. Frank Sulloway, who wrote Born to Rebel (1996), focused on later-borns, including the middle and youngest positions. He identified what he considers the most dominant issue facing that category, which is finding a family niche that does not duplicate the one already filled by the firstborn. Thus, such children tend to be more exploratory, take greater risks, and are generally more open to change and experience. Other factors are important, too Much has been written on the subject of birth order characteristics. As you consider many of these generalizations, you are undoubtedly thinking about your own children, trying to determine if their personalities are similar to the ones described by researchers. This is when things get a bit more complicated! Is there truly a predictable connection between a child's ordinal position in the family and his/her overall personality traits? My own experience as one of six children, as well as my role as the mother of four, has taught me that there is no one determining factor in our individual approach to relationships and our environment. Other important influences include the number and gender of siblings in the family as well as the actual number of years between the children's respective ages. Ultimately, a child's basic temperament and disposition, which are inborn and apparent from birth, are probably the most important indicators. Yet this remains an intriguing and appealing subject, one to which all of us can add our own expertise and opinions. Let the discussions continue! |
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