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CATASTROPHE: HOW PARENTS CAN DEAL WITH THEIR CHILDREN ABOUT THE EVENTS OF SEPTEMBER 11
By Rita Weinberg, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology, National-Louis University, and Psychological Consultant to Winnetka Public School Nursery

An important part of the role of parents is to mediate between their child and what is happening in their child's world.  That is, they help their child understand the meaning of what they are seeing, hearing, experiencing.  This becomes more difficult when parents themselves do not understand the meaning of what has happened. How does one understand how a group can plot mass murder and destruction of innocent people going about their jobs and lives when there was not war or apparent provocation?  Nonetheless, your children turn to you, not only to explain but to reassure them and reduce their anxiety that the same thing won't happen to them.

I was asked to give you some guidelines about how, what, and when to communicate with your children.  I would also like to give you some things to look for if your child seems very strongly affected by this event and may, perhaps, need additional help.

Although parents would like to shelter their children from bad things which happen in the world, even pre-school children know that there are bad people and bad events which could happen.  The bad guys are all over their cartoons and on television; the good guys eventually win over the bad. Parents, in their efforts to protect, have also communicated to their children that there are bad people out there. "Don't go off with a stranger." "Don't get in the car of someone you don't know." "Don't let someone touch you in a bad way"; "Don't run out into the street-cars are dangerous".  This has put these ideas into their minds already.   Major environmental events also cause fear:  earthquakes, floods, fires.  Children have heard about them or have books about them.

The events of this week have to have made an impact.  All adults were glued to their TV sets.  It was the topic of discussion everywhere. Older siblings, peers at school also talked about it.  It could set up a lot of fears and anxieties.

COMMUNICATION

Most children, including pre-schoolers, would have asked their parents questions.  In general, I would suggest you not promise things over which you have no control, e.g. "It won't happen again" or "It won't happen to you".  Be as truthful as you can.  Being very intelligent, your children will ask you tough questions: " Why did they do that?"  You can truthfully say you don't know and that the government is trying to find out not only who did it but the reasons for it. If you resort to a religious reason  "It is God's will", the next question would be "Were they bad people that got killed?  Did they do something bad?  Is that why God killed them?"  I leave you to turn to your clergy for an answer to that one.  But it does point out that you need to think about just what you will say to your child's very legitimate questions.  You can share with your  child the fact that you are shocked or troubled about what has happened but emphasize that you will do all you can to protect your child.

You can share with the children that a main reason there are families is to protect and care for each other.  When families started way back in time, even cave men and women realized it was important to protect their children and that families were a good way to do it.  Many years later when there were many more families, they started to have towns. The towns and cities added other ways to protect their people with policemen and firemen and others.  Our towns have very good protectors. Now we have the United States government and our president.  They have soldiers, fighter planes, artillery; whatever they need to help protect us. If your child asks (bless them how they get right to the core of an issue) why the people who got killed weren't protected, you can truthfully say it was a surprise attack and now we are going to be a lot more careful.

You parents are walking a fine line here between wanting your children to know this was the work of extremists (bad people) and reassuring them that most people are not like that.  You can point out by naming all the people they know who are good people and that there are many things in place to protect them but it may take a while for them to get past this horrendous event, just as it will for adults.

For older children:  they have probably taken in a lot of television about the events and about how the government is moving to find out who did it and planning how to deal with it. You can discuss with them what is happening at the level you think they will understand these events.  Adults and the media will be discussing current government initiatives and the topic is likely to be with us for a very long time.  The media do report steps which are being taken for increasing security.

Many adults and children show increased fear of flying.  You can use the analogy of taking a ride in a car.  There are car accidents but people still use cars to go places.  Or make the same argument about riding bicycles, skateboards or any other means of moving around.  Despite occasional accidents, we still use them.

A large part of the reaction is the unpredictability and uncertainty of it. It makes us feel more vulnerable-also angrier and more united.  It is difficult to deal with change and these events involved a major shift for everyone in America in their beliefs, and attitudes.

For people who have had losses of relatives or friends in the terrorist attacks, that adds another dimension.  This is a sudden death, usually of younger people who were at their places of work and whose lives were cut short by a fate which put them in the wrong place at the wrong time.  People have to deal with this as with any death, any loss of someone they knew or were related to.  It is always hard when a person dies, especially at a young age and without any reason that we can understand. Working through the grieving process is what we do individually and collectively.  Support from other family members, friends, teachers, co-workers, our religious affiliations all can help.  Talking about it can help.  Some will need more professional help to deal with their grief.

OBSERVATIONS

What can parents look for in their children who seem to be very affected by this week's events?   Observe your children in three main areas: physiologically, behaviorally, and in feelings/mood. I want to emphasize that throughout the course of development almost every child goes through some periods which I call "blips"-some unhappy or uneven periods which the child may have some problems dealing with.  There are various reasons: physical, hormonal, events in the family or school among others.  Children come through these periods for the most part and go on with normal developmental process.  Most children will come through this event with the support of parents and families and teachers.  Some children will have stronger and longer lasting reactions to it.  I look for two dimensions in a child's reactions:  the intensity of the reaction and the duration of time over which it occurs.  If it is very intense and/or lasts a long time it may be wise for parents to look for additional help  A first step, however, is for parents to become careful observers of their own children.

Look for changes in your child's own patterns-not compared to others but his/her own.  As a psychologist I usually look at the individual child in relation to certain events that child is experiencing and reacting to.  Then I check whether what I am observing is a change in pattern from prior behaviors.  You know your child individually and what reactions he/she usually has .So you may be able to detect shifts.  Teachers may observe changes.  Teacher-parent communication is very important and good pre-schools and schools encourage that.

Physiologically:

Behaviors which may appear:

Feelings.  Changes which may occur:

To summarize:

1. Be truthful to your children. 
2. Do not promise things over which you have no control.
3. Reassure your children you will protect them.
4. Remind them they have many built-in protectors:  parents, family, relatives and friends, teachers, school, police and firemen, the President, the Army and Navy, Air Force and the entire federal government.
5. Keep routines as much as possible.  It is comforting to have some predictability.
6. Keep in close touch with your child's teachers.  There may be different behaviors in school.
7. Communicate with your child both directly and indirectly-through stories. There is a vast store of books about people who have overcome adversity. Fairy tales are full of stories about younger sons (eldest got all the goodies) who had to seek their fortune and overcame many challenges to win the princess or gain other prizes. There is a vast literature for older children as well.  Or tell them about your own family history when your ancestors overcame traumas and challenges.
8. Observe them carefully over the next few weeks in their physical, behavioral and emotional responses.
9. Touch base with your children more often with hugs and kisses and appreciative remarks about how much you care for and love them.

These thoughts and observations were first presented by Dr. Rita Weinberg on Friday, Sept. 14, 2001 at Winnetka Public School Nursery.