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"I Cannot Tell a Lie:" How Children Develop a Conscience I remember my grandmother’s scribble on a piece of paper like it was yesterday. It was prominently taped to the mantle in the front room. My mother never referred to it. She never needed to. It was just "understood" that this was the way one acted—behaved, if you will—toward self and others, all others. The note simply read: Your greatness is measured by your kindness. Your education and intellect by your modesty. Your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others. Although I sometimes strayed from abiding by those noble words, I always knew them, respected them, and, deep down inside, internalized them. More than four decades have elapsed since I first read my grandma’s principles of life. Yet in all these years, I have taken the liberty to add only a single word. One day, not too long ago, I concluded that "tolerance" was too minimal an acceptable standard, and, as such, penned in the word "respect." Although I worried, but only briefly, that adding to my grandmother’s work of ethical art was disrespectful, I felt I had reached a higher standard by doing so. I also knew that current times called for it. Like it or not, we are born with the power of ultimate influence over our children. Their character development is closely associated with our words and deeds. Each word and deed becomes a target for building character. It is uncanny to reflect on a childhood memory, only to conclude that the smallest offhand comment made at the kitchen table one Tuesday afternoon may be the one remembered decades later—a comment that could very well shed some light on the way one should act, think, or behave. Although one can become too concerned with worrying about every word, it is sometimes the little things, the obscure things that create long-lasting and indelible memories—some of which become the basis for character development. Time is life’s currency. I hope that the accumulation of my children’s time as reflected in character snapshots has painted a portrait of quality and the development of good virtue. The Center for Advancement of Ethics and Character at Boston University suggests that the development of good character follows the development of the following virtues:
The Center has developed a "Character Education Manifesto" that details the beliefs and principles upon which character education is woven with academic excellence, personal achievement, and citizenship. It calls for the very best from all of us. The Manifesto enlists the following seven guiding principles:
Good character is embodied by engaging the hearts, minds, and hands of our children, in helping them to know what is good, respect what is good, and act accordingly. As parents, we want our children to mature to become good citizens with their moral gyroscope pointed in the right direction. To be successful requires all of us to reflect on who we are, what we say, how we act, and what we cherish. Only upon reflection can we begin to guide accordingly. Recently, my wife told me that our daughter received second place in an essay contest on who influenced her the most in the development of good character. After boasting a smile and waiting to hear about my influence on my daughter, I listened to my wife read the essay in which our daughter described our son! Oh, well. I hope I influenced him. Thanks, Grandma. Although I only met you once, © The Winnetka Alliance for Early Childhood - Reprinted from Early Childhood Winter 1997 "I Cannot Tell a Lie:" How Children Develop a Conscienceby Alicerose "Sissy" Barman Paul, age two, is pouting and looking pained. A few tears trickle down his cheeks. His mother looks distressed, as well. Another adult, observing the scene, thinks that while Paul appears confused, his mother looks ambivalent. Indeed, these observations are accurate. They are based on the process of conscience development.An infant has no conscience. Even if he were verbal, he could not talk about the difference between right and wrong. He has no experience on which to base such evaluations. At two, or thereabouts, he begins to imagine and fantasize, thus enriching his inner life. The older toddler contends with a dread of displeasing his parents. He sees their displeasure as a loss of love. The toddler is willing to do almost anything in order to preserve parental love. Thus is born the desire to become toilet trained, to share and to take turns, to talk things over instead of acting them out. Gradually, and with many ups and downs in this cognitive task, he learns to label feelings. He can recognize that "sad" or "excited" have real meaning, though he cannot see or touch them as he can a "ball" or "truck."This wish for parental approval is a great ally to the parent helping a child acquire the rudiments of a social awareness, to realize that other people have needs and rights and desires, as well as he does. Appealing to this desire for love and approval make much better sense than relying upon usually ineffective punishments or threats of some kind.The child must learn that love and approval can exist side by side in his parents and caretakers. It’s difficult for him to comprehend that this red-in-the-face, shouting woman can be the very same person who feeds him, plays with him, hugs and kisses him. It’s hard to call up all those happy memories, though they may have happened only yesterday. Indeed, parents sometimes have a hard time themselves remembering that they can disapprove of behavior without being permanently disapproving of the person engaging in it. Alicia O. Lieberman reports in The Emotional Life of the Toddler (The Free Press, New York, 1993) that, as they get older, children begin to experience a desire for autonomous behavior. They are struggling to keep parental approval, but need to express their individual wills as well. The overly submissive child and the persistently negative child will each have trouble in developing a healthy conscience. Dr. T. Berry Brazelton points out that toddlerhood is, at its essence, a sometimes ambivalent declaration of independence. "The cycle of disagreement-resolution-reconciliation, occurring with greater or lesser intensity throughout the day, is a cornerstone of the toddlers’ psychological growth."To distill this theory into day-to-day practices, parents need to remember:
By the time a child is six, he should be able to tell right from wrong, to respect other people’s bodies and possessions and to follow sensible rules. Of course, different children will achieve this at different ages.The relative calm of the early school years, when most children have developed a utilitarian, working conscience, won’t last forever. Since adolescence is a time of rapid change and necessary forays into new experiences which are individually focused, it is also a time when the adequate conscience of the elementary school child slips away and changes gradually into the mature conscience of the young adult. In a world in which change is always with us, in an era in which old moral standards rise and fall with great rapidity, helping our children to acquire a useful conscience is of utmost importance.
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