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"Difficult" Children or Simply Difficult Problems to Solve?
by Jean Boyer

Many books in the popular psychology sections of our bookstores are written on parenting "difficult children" or dealing with the "sensitive child" or raising "children who challenge" or any other euphemism that implies children exist in categorical types. The implication that children come in categories--especially the one labelled "difficult"--leads us to believe that a child's typology, once identified, can account for tantrums at the Jewel, defiance at birthday parties, non-compliance at rug time or hitting on the playground. Indeed, many of these books begin with chapters that offer checklists of diagnostic criteria general enough for parents to exclaim with wonder, "That's my child!"

In reality, young children can present a variety of challenging behaviors to their parents--and these behaviors can change throughout different phases of development. The degree to which a behavior is experienced as "difficult" by parents depends on many variables. Some are child variables, some are parent response variables and some are environmental variables. Recent research on dealing with challenging behavior stresses the interaction of all three factors, in what has become known as the ecological model of problem solving.

When looking at the ecology of challenging behavior, we must consider the place where the behavior occurs, examine how the behavior was expressed, and our response to it. For example, parents may have a different response to "talking back" behavior when it occurs at the home of their in-laws than had it occurred in the car on the way. The ecology of the child--the place, toys, temperament of people that surround him/her--encourage children to inhibit or display behaviors. Some parents who experience their child as loud, non-compliant and resistant in every way at meals or bedtime are stunned to hear him/her described as "happy, easy-going and flexible" by a teacher, parent or playmate. Child variables, parent response variables and environmental variables all impact upon one another to create both problems and solutions. To understand their interaction, let's consider each independently.

Child variables are factors related specifically to the child that can be identified as the source of the challenging behavior. Examples include physical health status (such as the presence of ADD or chronic ear infections); adaptability (repertoire of coping strategies available to the child); threshold of responsiveness (how much or little stimulation is needed to provoke a response from the child); and intensity of reaction (the energy level in the expression of both positive and negative emotions).

Parent response variables are those factors related specifically to parenting styles, that can be identified as a source of challenging behaviors in children. Examples include negation of generational boundaries (allowing children to make decisions about issues beyond their cognitive level, such as where they will attend school); fear of anger (working to please the child because of fear of dealing with an angry response from a disappointed child); too much intervention (repairing hurtful or disappointing experiences on behalf of the child instead of allowing the child to handle the situation him/herself); too much praise and too little performance feedback.

Environmental variables are those factors related specifically to places, experiences, events and the other people who are around, that can be identified as a source of challenging behavior. Examples include home, school, doctors' offices, family changes such as death, illness, moving, peers, siblings, relatives and teachers.

A problem-solving model that emphasizes the ecology of the child does not look to diagnose a child as "difficult" or a parent as "problematic" or an environment as "deprived" in order to understand challenging behavior. Rather, in assessing the ecology, we can ask "what problem is the challenging behavior causing?" Does the behavior of spitting or biting cause the problem of rejection by peers? Does the behavior of opposition or non-compliance cause the problem of a disrupted relationship between parent and child? That is, do parents feel robbed of their need to nurture because they spend so much time enforcing consequences such as time-outs?

Next, in looking at challenging behavior ecologically, we should note not just the presence or absence of a behavior per se, but its frequency, its duration and its intensity. Many young children tantrum, for example, but how frequently? We may need to help the child learn more coping skills. Does the child tantrum with excessive intensity? If a child damages property, seriously hurts another child or seriously hurts him/herself during a tantrum, then the frequency of this behavior is less of an issue than its intensity. The child may need help with observing or experiencing anger. Does the child have a tantrum that is hours in duration? This child may need to experience him/herself as powerful in more healthy ways. Finally, we need to ask: what in the ecology of the child continues to support the presence of the problem?

Generating solutions to challenging behavior requires sensitivity to the ecological perspective. To change the behavioral response in a child, we must change the ecology. We need to alter our response as parents (which may include learning a new set of skills). We may need to change something in the environment of the child. Most often we need to do both. Of equal importance is not just the elimination of a challenging behavior, but the creation of a positive pro-social behavior to replace it. This means not only implementing consequences consistently, but also teaching children what things s/he can do to soothe feelings of disappointment. What can they do when they are angry about being treated unfairly? When someone is telling them to do something they don't want to do (like go to bed)? The greater the repertoire of pro-social and coping behaviors a child has, the smaller his/her repertoire of challenging behaviors will be.

Here again, we find simple answers in the "challenging child" books, but often these tips can be too general or incomplete. In reality, positive pro-social behaviors are taught and learned through modeling. What do we do to soothe feelings of disappointment? What do we do when we are angry about being treated unfairly? What do we do when someone (our boss) tells us to do something we don't want to do? We may need to learn new skills to model for our children.

It's important to remember that most children like themselves when they behave well. They want to and depend upon their "first teachers" to help them succeed at this goal. When a 2 ½ year old girl was asked by her mom in another room, "What are you doing?" She replied, "I'm 'being-hav'. Can't you tell?"