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HOW TO HANDLE SIBLING RIVALRY

Bruno Bettelheim tried to get us off the hook when he wrote about the "good enough parent." We don’t have to be perfect, he said, just "good enough." Still, ask an experienced mom or dad what they’d do differently, and you’ll find a motherlode of hard-earned wisdom (occasionally tinged with guilt). Luckily for those of us in the active throes of parenthood (meaning, we’re still muddling through), their experience offers great insights.

... be more relaxed. When my children were small, I felt outnumbered. Once I had more children than hands, I felt I had to be very strict because I was dealing with a small army. Now I’d be more relaxed about everything. It all works out in the end. I’d also be more social myself.- Mother with children aged 47, 46, 44, and 40

... take command of the tantrum situation. When my daughter was little, she would throw tantrums in stores to get me to buy her something. I’d try to reason with her as she got louder and louder. Finally, I’d be so embarrassed that I’d buy her something. And that, of course, reinforced the tantrums. Now I’d just cut it all short by picking her up and leaving the store. - Mother with children aged 22 and 16

... believe what they say, no matter how incredible. My first grader came home from school one spring day with a wild story about a bird attacking him. Although he was visibly upset, I didn’t believe him. When he repeated the story the next day, I scolded him. Later I learned that red-winged blackbirds are so protective of their nests that they will attack anyone who comes near. My son had obviously gone too close to a nest. After that, I promised myself I would give more credibility to my children’s stories, even when they seem silly or impossible. - Mother with children aged 27, 25, 22 and 19

... not be as controlling. I would be less concerned with what my children wore, especially to school. I would let them choose their clothes. This is an area where it’s appropriate and important for them to make the choices. - Mother with children aged 29, 26, 20 and 19

... trust my knowledge of my child. When one of my children had 3-year-old separation anxiety, everybody gave me advice on how to handle it: friends, relatives, neighbors, teachers, the doctor, friends of the family, etc. The advice all differed and over the course of approximately seven to eight months, I tried everything. If I could do it differently, I would trust my knowledge of my child, choose one approach, apply it consistently for a long time, and evaluate it, before trying something else. - Mother with children aged 9 and 6

... rely on my gut instincts. A teacher came up with a solution to a classroom social problem that I knew at some gut level would come back to haunt my child. Without suggesting alternatives or working further on the problem, I helped the teacher carry out this solution. What happened? Basically, my child was betrayed when my child should have been protected. I knew better, but I didn’t have the confidence to say, "Whoa!" Sometimes, the first answer of people who mean well isn’t the best answer. Now I try to explore all the options and listen to my wise inner voice. - Mother with children aged 12 and 8

... let them succeed or fail on their own. I wanted to spare my younger daughter as much pain as possible in life. When something went wrong, I always bailed her out, even though I didn’t do the same thing for her older sister. I did her laundry, drove her everywhere, helped her type her papers the night before they were due, helped her financially even after college, and listened to all her tales of woe. She didn’t grow up until she was in her early 30s! - Mother with children aged 40 and 36

... realize that yelling doesn’t help. The probability that a child will cooperate on any particular issue is often inversely related to the volume of the voice asking for the behavior change. - Father with children aged 16 and 10

... let go earlier. - Mother with children aged 21 and 19

... schedule their summers less. I would not have enrolled them in structured camps, but rather allowed a summer of exploration on their own. Boredom can lead to creativity.- Mother with children aged 25, 20, 17, and 15

... hold my son back from entering school a year early. He had an October birthday and I sent him to school, feeling he could handle it. He did handle it--but he always struggled. He had organizational and maturity problems--real developmental stuff that I understand now but didn’t then. (This is not so much a regret as a "what if." What if he had waited a year? What would he be like now?) - Mother with children aged 21, 20, 14