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EASING THE TEASING: HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR KIDS COPE
By Judy S. Freedman, L.C.S.W.

Does your child not want to go to school because someone is making fun of him in class or during recess? Does your child complain that someone in the neighborhood is hurting her feelings? Does the name-calling on the school bus cause stress for your child? Unfortunately, teasing occurs everywhere and it cannot be prevented. Most young children become upset automatically if they are called a name or ridiculed in any way. Parents cannot always protect children from these hurtful situations, but they can teach their children strategies to help them deal with teasing.

Friendly or good-humored teasing occurs when it causes everyone to smile or laugh, including the person who is being teased. In contrast, hurtful teasing includes ridicule, name-calling, put-downs, and saying or doing annoying things. More hostile teasing may include tormenting or harassing. Unlike friendly teasing, the person being teased, the "teasee," may feel upset, sad, hurt or angry. For some children, teasing feels like a major life trauma.

A child’s reaction to teasing often depends upon his self-esteem. A child with a positive or healthy self-esteem demonstrates more effective coping skills in these teasing situations. The child whose self-esteem is weak may react to teasing with hurt feelings, crying, physical or verbal aggression, temper outbursts, physical complaints and/or feelings of helplessness. These children often feel like victims. They are more likely to believe what the teaser is saying, which reinforces their low self-esteem.

Why do children tease other children?

As we address the issue of teasing, it is important to understand the many reasons why children tease other children. Many children tease for the attention. Teasing is a good way of receiving negative attention. Unfortunately, for many children, negative attention is better than no attention. Some children model or mimic what is happening to them at home by acting the same way to others at school or in the neighborhood. These teasers are children who may be teased by siblings or who experience aggressive or harsh parenting. Many teasers who have low self-esteem feel superior when they put others down. They may experience much power when teasing upsets others. It is not uncommon to see children engage in teasing behavior because they may perceive it as being the "cool" thing to do. It may help them feel part of a group. The need to belong may be so strong that a child may tease others to be accepted by the "popular" kids.

A lack of understanding of "differences" is the underlying factor in some teasing. Many children are not familiar with or do not understand cultural or ethnic differences. A child with a physical impairment or a learning disability may be the target of teasing because he is different. Some kids judge or criticize anyone who is different instead of trying to learn or understand what makes others special. One cannot discuss the reasons why children tease without acknowledging the powerful influence of the media. Our children are frequently exposed to teasing, put-downs, sarcasm, and a lack of respect in many of the programs geared toward children on the air today.

Strategies you can teach your children

Teasing cannot be prevented and children cannot control what others say. However, they can learn to control their own reactions. Parents can teach their children the simple strategies listed below that will empower them and reduce feelings of helplessness. When children realize that there are effective strategies that they can use in teasing situations, their coping skills are strengthened. Here are strategies that are effective for children.

Self-talk. Encourage children to think about what they can say to themselves when they are in a teasing situation. A child could say to himself, "Even though I don’t like this teasing, I can handle it." Merely thinking about one or more of the strategies outlined below quickly empowers children and contributes to a sense of control.

Ignore. Displays of anger or tears often invite more teasing. Therefore, it is often effective for children to ignore the teaser. This means that the teasee should not look at or respond to the teaser. Children should try to pretend that the teaser is invisible and act as if nothing has happened. If possible, walking away from the teaser is encouraged. It is recommended that parents role-play "ignoring" with their children. Praise children for their excellent "acting." It should be noted that ignoring may not be effective in prolonged teasing situations.

The I-message. The "I-message" is an assertive way for children to effectively express their feelings. The child expresses how he feels, what has caused him to feel that way, and what he would like others to do differently. For example, a child could say, "I feel upset when you make fun of my glasses. Please stop." This generally works better when expressed in a more structured or supervised situation, such as the classroom. When used in other situations such as recess or on the school bus, it may lead to more teasing when the teaser perceives the teasee is upset. Nevertheless, it is an easy skill to teach children to help them deal with many situations. The child should learn to make eye contact, speak clearly and use a polite tone of voice.

Visualization. Many young children respond well to visualizing words "bouncing off" of them. It provides them with the concrete image of not having to accept or believe what is said. This image can be created by showing how Nerf balls bounce off a person. Another effective visualization is for a child to pretend he has a shield around him that helps the teases and bad words bounce off. Again, this gives children the message that they can refuse these put-downs.

Reframing. Reframing is changing one’s perception about the negative comment. It is turning the teasing into a compliment. For example, a child teases another about her glasses, "Four eyes, four eyes, you have four eyes." The child being teased could politely respond, "Thanks for noticing my glasses!" The teaser is usually confused, especially when there is not a reaction of anger or frustration. Another child might respond to a tease by saying, "That is a great insult." As a child expressed to me once, "It kind of takes the tease out of it."

Agree with the facts. Agreeing with the facts can be one of the easiest ways to handle an insult or tease. The teaser says, "You have so many freckles." The teasee says, "Yes, I have a lot of freckles." The teaser taunts, "You are such a cry baby…." The teasee can answer, "I do cry easily." Agreeing with facts usually eliminates the feeling of wanting to hide the freckles or the tears.

"So?" The response of "so?" to the teaser conveys an indifference that the tease doesn’t matter. Children find this simple yet quite effective. This strategy is humorously addressed in Bill Cosby’s book, The Meanest Thing to Say.

Use humor. Humor shows little importance is placed on the put-downs or mean remarks. Laughing can often turn a hurtful situation into a comical one.

Ask for help. At times, it is necessary for a child to seek adult assistance or intervention if the teaser is persistent.

Strategies for parents:  It is important to see the problem from the child’s point of view. Sit down and listen attentively to your child in a nonjudgmental way. Ask your child to describe the teasing. Where is it happening? Who is the teaser? Understand and validate your child’s feelings. It might be helpful to relate your experience of teasing as a child. Do not overreact. A parent's overreaction can result in a child overreacting. Teach and/or review and practice strategies. Convey the message, "You can handle it." Encourage tolerance and the appreciation of differences. Monitor television. Encourage children to be with children who make them feel good, not bad. Review your own behavior. Do you model the behavior of a "victim?"

You can help your children understand that teasing cannot be prevented and they cannot control what others say. However, they can learn to control their own responses and reactions, which will "ease the tease."