Expecting a Second Child? Think Outside the (Sand?) Box

Expecting a Second Child? Think Outside the (Sand?) Box
By Jennifer Bingham Hull

Most child-rearing advice is for first-time parents. But for many families, it's the second child who really rocks the boat, raising new and often more challenging issues.

The clash between career and kids comes after the second, not the first child: it's much harder to have it all as the family grows. With one child, a couple can fudge child care issues in their marriage. With two, Dad either steps up to the plate or Mom becomes exhausted. The arrival of a second often necessitates a renegotiation of roles--which is tough to do when husband and wife can barely hear each other in their own house. One little baby can be slung to a reading at Barnes and Noble, even entertained over cappuccino at Starbucks. Two toddlers make you a menace to every adult in the joint. No wonder so many parents say that having two makes one look easy!

Yet there are ways to ease the transition and thus better savor the joys that come with a bigger family. What follows are some tips developed by one irreverent mom and tested over several years on two young girls and one husband.

Shop for yourself, not your new addition . The second child doesn't know the difference between hand-me-downs and her thumb. There may, however, be a direct correlation between the state of a woman's clothing and her self-esteem. Few women get a shower with a second baby--for good reason: the baby doesn't need much. By the time she arrives, however, most mothers could use a makeover. Boost your spirits by buying a pretty nightie--or whatever else your heart desires.
Spend time alone with your firstborn . The child rearing manuals can make a mom feel like such a traitor for even having a second that she thinks she's got to take her older child to Disney World. This is not necessary. While siblings fight and have their problems, studies show that the vast majority value their relationship highly as they grow. Still, it's hard to address an older child's needs with a baby around. Take your firstborn out alone on errands while someone else watches your little one. She'll think the Container Store is exciting, and you'll get that hall closet organized.

Don't try to be a first-time mom to your second child. Let's face it, scrapbooks are for first-timers. Second children do not get big photo albums, as many toys, or even as much attention as firstborns. Luckily, however, research shows that they get just as much love plus the added bonus of: being raised by experienced parents.

Befriend people in your path. It's hard to maintain a social life with two little kids, especially with other parents in the same boat. Somebody's naptime will always sabotage the best-laid plans, making friends from your first play group feel unreachable. Befriend the mom at story time at the library. She's already there.

Bag the big family ambitions for a while . After a few disastrous dinners and outings with toddlers, I realized that the Brady Bunch kids were all old enough to eat with a fork by the time their adventures were chronicled. During the food-throwing years, my husband and I bagged the family dinner, taking turns feeding the girls in the park. It was great: all the crumbs went on the ground. We also simplified vacation plans and opted for easy outings like taking the kids to the local car wash.

Get a Palm-type organizer. One child is a relationship. Two is a small business. These devices have a "repeat" function that automatically plugs in all those kiddie events and appointments that double with a new addition. Type it in and you can even recall the name of that other preschooler's parent and stop thinking of her as "Kate's mom."

Double up on weekends. There are two main strategies for dealing with two kids during those hours when both parents are available: double up and divide-and-conquer. In double up, one parent takes the children, leaving the other free. In the divide-and-conquer scenario, the kids are split between Mom and Dad. Double up has a distinct advantage, providing each parent with the most precious commodity as the family grows: free time. When my husband took our baby and toddler out that first Sunday the house felt like a temple. Redemption. Resurrection. Renewal. I got it all, and he was the one who went to church.

When outnumbered, be a clown, not a general . Enforcing a timeout with a toddler while trying to keep a baby from eating chokeables is a game for morons. Make a teddy bear coax your older child to bed instead. It's a lot easier and will give you an ally.

Recognize that with each child, a new parent is born . The second child is not a repeat performance. It's a whole new ball game that marks the birth of a very different mom. At times, she might seem like a slacker, her standards so low, her attitude selfish and crass compared to the first-timers at the park. But give her some rein, because she's the woman who will get you through.

Jennifer Bingham Hull is a Winnetka native and the author of "Beyond One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life," a memoir and guide about having a second child. She can be reached at www.growingafamily.com and is available to speak to parenting and reading groups.