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<< back to Parenting/Family Issues Family Fun: Is It Overrated? Brace yourself for some bad news: Family fun today is way overrated. We consistently hear, for example, that eating dinner as a family every night is the sure-fire way of preventing crime, drug abuse, academic underachievement, teenage pregnancy and a bunch of other social evils. Going out with the whole crew is not all it's cracked up to be for three reasons. The first is sibling rivalry. Mom and Dad are at the beach, for instance, with their eight-year-old daughter and six-year-old son. The adults are trying to enjoy the sand, the water and the kids' interaction. But the boy says something smart to his sister, who throws her hotdog at her brother, who laughs as it misses and gets full of sand. Now both kids are screaming at each other and everyone on the beach is looking. This isn't fun. The second reason fun with the entire family doesn't always work is this: The more people you put together in the same place, the greater the chance for differences of opinion and conflict. At 9:30 a.m. on day two of their family vacation, for example, the Jeffersons are about to leave their motel room, but they have a problem. Mark wants to go to Creature Castle, which he saw advertised on the interstate. Cynthia wants to go to the pool, and she has already put on her suit. Mom wants to have a leisurely cup of coffee in the restaurant next door to the motel. And finally, Dad wants to get his usual start to the day by jogging three miles. The third reason that family fun is overrated is this: The best parent-child bonding occurs in one-on-one parent-child interactions. When you were dating, you certainly didn't want to be with other people all the time, especially if the group included a few of your greatest rivals. Similarly, children really cherish alone time with a mother or father, without the presence of their greatest rivals--their siblings. Watch the kids when they're alone with you. They open up, they talk, they feel free and they kind of blossom. It would be a shame to rarely--or never--experience that with a child because you're so busy thinking everybody should be together all the time. Play with your youngster It's very important, therefore, to take your kids, one at a time, and regularly do something you both like. It's more peaceful because there's no fighting. In fact, there's no chance of fighting. And coordinating different agendas is no problem because there are only two agendas to coordinate. The possibilities for shared one-on-one fun are endless. Many parents I've worked with over the years like to take a son or daughter out to dinner on a school night while everyone else stays home and fends for themselves. Going to a movie, going shopping, bike riding or just going out for a drive in the car can also fill the bill. One of the nice things about getting out of the house is that no one can interrupt you. Your kids will also like it if you turn your cell phone off for a while. One-on-one fun, though, does not have to entail going out nor does it have to involve spending money. Most children love being able to stay up twenty minutes later on a school night, every now and then, to do something special with mom or dad. That something might be reading, just talking or--heaven forbid!--teaching a naïve and inexperienced parent how to play a video game. Here are some other ideas for one-on-one playtimes: Finger painting in the bathtub Baking cookies (yes, boys and girls!) Board or card games Reading Going to the park Reading in the park, once you get there Playing catch Jigsaw puzzles Restaurant with playland Window shopping while walking the mall Planting a child's garden Giving the dog a bath Planning and shopping for a meal Doing a collection together (stamps, cards, coins, dolls) Visiting a museum Attending a sporting event (including free Little League games!) Taking cookies to an elderly neighbor The zoo!
Shared fun can also come in little bits and pieces during the day. Little bits of fun can be shared and enjoyed when you are talking, listening, expressing affection, or telling jokes. In fact, even ordinary daily routines can be improved by maintaining an open mind and a sense of humor. For example: "Unfortunately, sleepyhead, it's time to get up." Mom rubs child's back. "After you demolish your breakfast, you can watch a little TV." "Got your two-ton book bag?" "That dog sure likes you. OK, let's get outta here!" "You're moving faster than I am this morning!" "Glad you remembered your coat." "Love you, goodbye." "What was the most fun part of your day?" "Only three more peas, my dear, and I will provide you with a huge dose of chocolate cake." "You can go to Bobby's for one hour till 8:00. Have a good time." "Give me a kiss goodnight. Oops, better brush those teeth." That day was friendlier and more fun than it otherwise might have been. Affection, praise, listening and a sense of humor all helped. The moral of this story? By all means, do things together with the entire family, but make sure those times are as enjoyable as possible.
If whole-family activities are usually miserable experiences, put some real thought, planning and experimentation into ironing out the trouble spots. But whatever you do about whole-family fun, make sure your days and weeks include regular, one-on-one fun with each of your children.
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