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From a Grandmother's Point of View
By Suzanne Lee

"It takes an entire village to raise a child," the Alliance motto suggests, but certainly the most important support system for parents today is still the family. Although families may be dispersed, grandparents can continue to be a positive influence in children's lives through the love and encouragement and carefully considered counsel they provide for parents.

How do we think of grandparents in our families? Are they a help or a hindrance in raising our children? What are some common experiences?

Most of us vividly recall that awesome moment when we drove home from the hospital with our first baby. Then, a generation later, when we received that call which proclaimed, "You are a grandparent," we were equally thrilled, but much less frightened due to our years of experience. It also helped knowing that we were not going to be the primary nurturers. To the grandparent, the birth of a grandchild usually brings sheer delight, a sense of renewal and a feeling of fulfillment.

When I became a new grandmother, I was visited by many thoughts of my own early parenting days. Strong memories surfaced of wanting to care for that new baby perfectly, but included in those memories was my keen awareness of my own inexperience. Even though I had studied child development and had younger siblings, I was very vulnerable in my new role. Each comment made by my parents and in-laws added to my uncertainty. Only later did I realize that our parents, too, were learning about their new role as grandparents and also that their words of advice were meant to be helpful, not critical. Although I wished to spare my own children that distress, I am sure that they, too, felt some of the same concerns I had many years ago, due to that enormous sense of responsibility felt by any new parent.

As the baby grows, other issues of development arise and the possibility for misunderstandings between generations may become even more divisive. All aspects of childcare--feeding, napping, play, bedtime, socialization, exploration, sharing and health habits become areas where young parents' responses and attitudes may often differ from the techniques used by the grandparents. Many of the practices that we were told were the "best" way to nurture a child are clearly no longer popular or relevant.

How vital it is to try to openly understand one another! Grandparents need to be supportive and recognize the primary authority of the parents in the raising of children. They must not be overly judgmental or intrusive. In our informational age, the media, books, magazines, journals, TV and professional advice seem to influence parents much more than does advice given by the older generation. The wise grandparent needs to accept this reality and offer love, support and a sympathetic ear, letting the parents make their own choices and decisions. Parents should try to understand and forgive grandparents who have trouble letting go of their own child-rearing ideas.

What, then, did influence our experiences as parents? We were the generation that married during or shortly after college. We stayed home with the children, volunteered in the community and were faced with building a new world following the trauma of World War II. Economic times were good and families, despite corporate moves, stayed together and played together. Parks and schools were safe places. Our roles were clearly defined. We had fewer possessions and travelled less.

Today, in contrast, families often have two parents working outside the home. Children are enrolled in many programs, economic times are more uncertain for many and divorce is a common occurrence. Women are working in all professional fields and fathers are assuming a much more active role in parenting and the home. Both parents are often better educated about child development. More parents share child-rearing responsibilities. When I first taught nursery school, fathers seldom appeared at the school unless it was visiting day. Ten years later, fathers seldom missed a parent-teacher conference and often brought the child to school on a regular basis. Though we live in a changing world, some things don't change at all. The constant reality is that children need the loving support and guidance of caring adults. Grandparents cherish the relationship with their own children and this relationship can be enriched and strengthened by the mutual concern for that adored grandchild. Healthy grandparents can forge strong bridges that connect the generations. They can add to family occasions by sharing stories, holidays, trips, vacations, and most importantly, by offering unconditional love and acceptance of their grandchildren.

Those years of experience have taught grand-parents many things, but not how to raise our children's children. That is the responsibility of their parents. When we respect each other's autonomy, grandparents, parents and children gain strength and sustenance from one another. We all become stronger, happier people living in healthy families.

Former teacher Suzanne Lee is the mother of five and the grandmother of eight. In preparing this article, she consulted with June Aimen, M.S., a psychotherapist at the Josselyn Center for Mental Health and a professor of child development at Harold Washington College.