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Learning How to Say "No" ...and Mean it
By Jennifer McManus

The ability to say no and to mean it has been on my mind a lot recently. As parents, we need to learn the skill of telling our children they can’t do something quite early. To our infants and two-year olds we say, “No, do not touch the hot stove.” “No, do not put the dirt in your mouth.” “No, you may not pull the cat’s tail.” “NOOOOO!!” We have to feel comfortable doing it; to understand the difference between giving children what they need versus giving them what they want.

We have to recognize that we are not bad parents for doing this. We are, in fact, giving to our children by setting boundaries. We have to be able to say no in a way that will enable a child to one day say no to themselves. It will stop them from misguided, impulsive behavior later in childhood as well as adulthood.

The question is, how do we keep saying no, or stop, without diluting its importance?

We can’t say no too often or else it becomes meaningless–we become “the mom who cried no.” We have to be able to find different ways of redirection. While there are not many other words for no, there are other ways of getting our point across. One way that I have been able to redirect my girls, or just say no, is with a simple look that says, “I absolutely mean business.” I have also employed my own version of “1, 2, 3” . . . which somehow magically works to this day. I rarely have to get to three. Each girl is confident I will come up with some consequence they would rather not face. Somehow I managed to achieve this with them without ever resorting to threats. Most of the time, if we do get to three, a time-out is given. Except now time-outs are not about sitting in a chair to get over a tantrum. They’re a way for them to go somewhere quiet and collect their thoughts. They let themselves out of the time-out when they feel they are ready and, most of the time, my husband and I agree.

I’ve come up with creative ways of saying no. “Basta!” (Italian for “enough!”) is my word for hushing the whine for junk candy, toys, food (you name it) when we are out doing errands.

We must also figure out strategies for saying no that somehow inform our children that there is room for negotiation. We may say no too quickly and in the long run regret that we haven’t made room in the discussion for our child to further explain the request. (This skill in parenting will become more significant during the adolescent and teenage years, to be sure.)

To that end, I have come up with a yes plan which operates under the theory that there are times when a yes that surprises a child goes a long way towards effective denials. It shows them that we can be flexible and understand their wishes and opinions.

I have had guidance along the way, of course, such as experienced parents and teachers to talk to and fabulous books to read. These resources taught me that confident, firm and loving discipline is what children need and, whether they realize it or not, actually crave. As young children go into the world to understand and learn, they need to be able to come back to a place— home—that is structured and safe.

My girls are now 8 and 7, ages that soon won’t be categorized as “early childhood.” I am grateful that I laid the foundation, the ground rules, for saying no when I did. I hope it will make the unimaginable no’s that I need to say to them—and they will need to say to themselves as teenagers and adults—a bit easier.

Jennifer McManus, a resident of Kenilworth and a teacher at All Things Bright and Beautiful Preschool, is the mother of two daughters. This article was published in the Spring-Summer 2007 issue of “Early Childhood.”