HOW CAN PARENTS BEST HELP THEIR KIDS? TRY A LITTLE LOVE AND SUNSHINE

HOW CAN PARENTS BEST HELP THEIR KIDS? TRY A LITTLE LOVE AND SUNSHINE
By Tom Doar, III

In my first year as a head of Lower School, more years ago than I care to count, the phrase "A little love and sunshine" was written on the blackboard by a first grade teacher as she welcomed parents to a mid-September Go-To-School Night. The parents, all very conscientious and committed to supporting their children's foray into what they believed to be the first structured academic program with math books and reading groups, etc., had come to hear how they might best support their children in first grade. While it was unspoken, it was clear that the parents entered the classroom that evening with a focused agenda: What type of flashcards should I purchase? Is my child ahead or behind? How can I "make" my child be successful? Where does my child rank in class? Is my child on track for Harvard? The underlying thought was "my value as a parent (and who my child becomes as a person) is tied directly to how my child performs academically in first grade."

As I observed from the doorway, I couldn't help but be concerned about what we as a society had become, about how our collective parenting instincts had become so skewed and unbalanced.

Fortunately, these parents were greeted by "the world's greatest first grade teacher" (or one of them, anyway...), who very calmly, thoughtfully, and with incredible warmth and professionalism, explained that rank in class and reading groups was not the measure of a successful first grade experience. Instead, she helped the parents understand that first grade was about learning and growing, not necessarily about achieving. It was about curiosity, friendship, trust and hope. A parent's role, she suggested, was not to over manage and keep score, but to love, support and enjoy.

Over the years, since that first experience of many Go-To-School Nights, I have seen countless examples of intelligent, successful and well-meaning parents misread cues, over-schedule, measure too much, and compare thoughtlessly. They have "over parented." They have fallen into the trap of what I once heard referred to as "the race horse syndrome," where parents, meticulously manage their children, measuring them at every turn, obsessing over every imagined imperfection, comfortable only when their child is the fastest, brightest or best-looking.

Thankfully, our schools are full of early childhood teachers who skillfully help parents reshape their expectations, while modeling openness, acceptance, thoughtfulness and a sense of joy in each young child's uniqueness.

"Love and sunshine" captures the essence of what a truly good teacher provides the children with whom he or she works. It helps parents understand that to love their children means giving them the time and space to grow. Love and sunshine bring out the best in children. With it, kids feel secure, confident, valued and accepted. With it, children excel.

I am hopeful that the current generation of parents will recognize that even as we focus on preparing children for the future, it is important that we let them relish the present. It is important that children enjoy who they are now as they grow into who they will become. Children benefit most when their parents make every effort to understand their own child's unique and individual timetable of growth rather than an arbitrary one that tries to hurry their development. They benefit most when they feel truly accepted and valued. How do I know? A wonderful first grade teacher told me.

Tom Doar, III is the head of North Shore Country Day School, Winnetka..