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"Daddy, I Want That!" Children and Materialism
By Mark Ditthardt

While driving on the expressway recently, we passed a sprawling railway center. My four-year-old nephew, a model train fan, sat up higher in his seat and peered out the window intently. For a few seconds he was speechless, amazed at the sight before him. Lines of railway cars stretched out as far as he could see-- hundreds of railway cars of all shapes, colors and sizes. He oohed and ahhed for awhile and then he turned to his mother and pleaded, "Hey, Mommy, buy me that!"

As parents, we struggle to provide our children with balance in many areas of their lives. For example, we often try to keep a balance with regard to how much TV they watch, how much candy they consume or how late they stay up at night. The tension between wanting to make our children happy and providing limits on their behavior can be a real challenge. This is no less true when it comes to helping children set limits on their desire for material possessions.

As is so often the case when we think about how to impart values to our children, the process generally begins with us parents as role models. If we wish to develop honesty in our children, we must first ask ourselves, "How honest am I in my everyday activities and interactions?" If we want to nurture compassion and forgiveness, we must first ask ourselves, "How willing am I to be compassionate and forgiving?" When considering what perspectives we want our children to have about their material possessions, we must first consider what our own values are. With regard to material possessions, we need to think about how we live out our values in this area. These are particularly important questions when it comes to the interactions we have with our spouse and children. For children, values are often more "caught than taught." Nothing speaks louder to children than our actions.

Why do we--or our kids--want things? I think it is essentially because we want to be happy. Recall as a child your increasing excitement as you anticipated the exchange of gifts at Christmas or Hanukkah. When the big moment arrived, we felt like we might explode. But I can recall that by the noon meal on Christmas Day, I would often feel quite disappointed because my new toy did not provide the lasting joy that I had expected.

As I reflect on the "things" in my life, I am becoming more aware of how things are unreliable and ultimately unsatisfying. There is no question that things give pleasure for a time and that, in fact, is the lure and the temptation. Madison Avenue knows how to appeal to that vulnerability in all of us. The trick is understanding the limited pleasure offered by things before you get them. My new car will eventually rust and need repair. My home needs constant maintenance and my computer needs more memory. This realization helps me maintain material possessions in the proper perspective. Essentially, it boils down to letting things give me the pleasure that they can, but not to place more hope in them than what they can possibly deliver. For these same reasons, imparting a balanced understanding of the role of material possessions in the life of our children is something that we cannot overlook.

The affluence of our culture makes careful management of our resources even more challenging. Nelson Rockefeller was once asked, "How much money is enough?" He replied with insight, "A little bit more." We and our children can easily get caught up in this thinking, too. Having material possessions is not the problem. The problem comes in when "things" assume a higher priority than they deserve in our lives and in the lives of our children. Teaching them and helping ourselves not to become slaves to things is the necessary and balanced approach. Perhaps our goal should be lasting contentment rather than fleeting happiness.

How, then, can we model a healthy approach with regard to our material possessions? Here are some thoughts:

1. Make people more important than things. Things should never be a replacement for people. When children see material things or their acquisition given inappropriate emphasis, they may place their trust in something that does not provide lasting satisfaction. Our children’s firsthand experience with us now sets the foundation for their future sense of trust, security and self-worth. Children need our time and attention and no material item can be a replacement for that. Try to focus on activities that build relationships, such as regular family outings, weekly "family nights" or simply taking advantage of those unstructured moments to enjoy our children’s company.

2. Model the idea of giving to others. We can give to others through our time (energy) or our money (resources). While receiving gifts is great, everyone can also derive satisfaction from giving to others. Look for ways to involve your children in giving to others. Does an elderly neighbor need help with yard work? Bring your child along to help. Can you donate your family’s old clothes to a local collection agency? Include your child in the process. The examples are limitless. When we look to meet the needs of others, the need to focus on "me" becomes less.

3. Avoid buying things for children as a way of soothing them. This only distracts children from a deeper issue and promotes escapism. Feeling bad at times is a part of life, and we should be careful not to rush or distract children from the hard work of dealing with an issue. Parents can help children by putting words to the feelings that children are having. An understanding parent who is available to help a child through a difficult period will be very helpful in the soothing process.

4. Put limits on the amount of toys a child receives or buys. When presented with that mile-long holiday wish list, help children prioritize the three or four gifts that are really meaningful to them. Encourage children to think about those gifts that will have a long enjoyment span.

5. Help your child develop good money management techniques at a young age. This can pay a lifetime of dividends! Children need some discretionary spending money. An allowance or payment for chores done around the house are good ways for children to obtain spending money. Set up a system for saving a portion of what they have earned toward some longer term goal (which may be no more than a few weeks or a month for some children) and also some portion purely for discretionary spending. Children who save their own money to purchase an item may find that item more meaningful to them. On the other hand, allowing a child to make a mistake with the purchase of something that turns out to be a "flash in the pan" can also be a valuable learning experience. Better a $10 goof up now than a $10,000 one later!