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Learning the Many Meanings of "NO" The little word "no" carries with it great power, many meanings, and far- reaching consequences. As children, we learn the meanings of "no" from our parents. Though parents may not always be aware of it, they teach the meanings of "no" to their children beginning in infancy. Here are some examples. When "No" Signals Danger Mary, age seven months, is in her father's arms while mom is cooking. Mary reaches toward the stove. Father abruptly pulls her back and says loudly and seriously, "HOT." It is clear to Mary from his tone of voice and scared face that he means "no." Mary got close enough to the stove to feel the intense heat as she experienced father's uncharacteristically rapid and rough motion. She now associates "HOT" with danger, "no," and the protective function of her parents. Mary has learned the "no" that signals danger. "No" Expresses Opinion Mary, now eleven months, is having dinner in her high chair. With her scientific interest in gravity (which she has recently discovered), she is watching as she drops her peas and carrots, one by one, onto the floor. Upon seeing the activity, mother, who has just washed the kitchen floor, expresses her frustration, "No, Mary, what a mess." Clearly there is not any signal of danger to Mary in this "no." She looks at her mother's frustrated face, looks at the carrot poised in her sticky hand, and very deliberately throws it to the floor. In this instance, Mary has said "no" to her mother. Mary doesn't care about clean floors, so she realizes she has a different opinion from her mother, and therefore she proves to herself that she is a separate person with the ability to think for herself and initiate actions related to her own wishes. Unwittingly, mother enabled Mary to say "no," which helps Mary discover herself as a separate, thinking person. "No" As A Power Struggle Mary, now 18 months old, is walking, has a few words, and knows that her mother and father love the plants in the living room. She has not spent much time in this room because it has been a "no, no." Not sensing any danger, Mary is curious and decides to check out the plants. Father finds Mary having a great time dumping, sprinkling, and tasting the dirt, as well as pulling off leaves to get a closer look. He is instantly and understandably furious. He rushes to stop her, yelling, "No, Mary, bad. Get out of there." Mary is shocked and bursts out crying. Father grabs her, calls mother, whisks her to the bathroom to clean her up, yelling because he is upset. Mary had been told the plants were a "no, no" and she disobeyed her parents. Here is yet another kind of "no." Mary was not in danger; she was agreeing with her parents that plants are interesting. So what is this "no" about? Mother and father have calmed down and confer. They feel out of control. Their parental authority was ignored. Mary must listen when they say "no." She has been naughty and must be punished. In their confusion, they have forgotten that Mary never goes near the stove, stops at street corners, never wanders away at stores, goes to bed easily, and looks at them for a "yes" or "no" in new situations. Feeling incompetent, mother and father take control. "Mary, you have to learn that when we say 'no,' we mean it," and Mary is banished to her room. Now Mary's shock and sadness at her parent's disapproval turns to anger. Her parents have made her feel bad. To Mary, this "no" means that people can stop you from doing reasonable things because they are bigger and more powerful than you. Mary decides she would like to be the one in power and will now use her considerable intelligence to win power struggles with her parents. Fortunately, Mary's parents rethink this episode. They decide to encourage Mary's interest in plants by creating a garden for her where the mess is contained. Though Mary still gets sent to her room sometimes, she has learned that it occurs when either she or her parents are out of control and need time to calm down. She knows that this time out is a useful and a good thing. Mary has learned that most "no's" are in her best interest. "No's" keep her and others safe and healthy. By saying "no" she has learned that she has a mind of her own. Her parents have learned that these "terrible two no's" are in service of the discovery of the self. Her parents have learned that they can go through this period without feeling a threat to their control and with a sense of humor. If, however, Mary's parents continued to be concerned with issues of control, Mary would learn that "no" is mostly a power struggle. She may discontinue behaviors out of fear and may become more oppositional with parents, teachers, policemen, and others in authority. Perhaps in adolescence, when Mary became as powerful as her parents, she would not understand that "Just say no" means drugs are dangerous. She may do drugs partly to win a power struggle. She may stop at a red light mainly because a policeman could be watching, not because it signals danger. The different reasons for obeying or disobeying "no," traffic signals, and many other important rules that govern our lives have their roots in infancy and the learning of the many meanings of "no."
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