MESSAGES FOR PARENTS - FROM YOUR CHILDREN

children, ages 0-8 years old are not equipped to fully express their feelings and thoughts to others, especially their parents. Therefore, they expect us to "decode" their messages, make sense of the, and magically react with a perfect response that will satisfy their needs. It should be noted that nobody said that it was easy being a parent, and, if someone did--well, let's move forward. Fortunately, there are some available tools to assist us in translating communications of young children. Here are some ways to see and hear your child:

3. Familiarize yourself with what usually happens with children at your child's age.

5. Become familiar with usual words, phrases, or expressed thoughts of your child.

Well, I guess we do have ways to "decode" our child's messages, until they become wonderfully verbally expressive, like all of us!

As you read these "messages" from your children, I'd like you to reflect on the concept of planning, coordinating and driving them to their various activities. In your self-reflection, think about:

Why you chose these activities.
What has been your child's reaction to them?
Do you think that the combined activities may be "over the top?"

Now that I'm in second grade and already seven years old, we need to talk about my life. I know that at age seven, I really like being with friends and sometimes being independent, but don't forget that I need our home to feel safe and I need to feel good about myself. I also know that my feelings can be easily hurt, especially when I can't do something very well or someone tells me about something that I did wrong. I'm told that rules are supposed to be very important to me. I'm sorry for talking back to you sometimes, but I'm told that it's a part of my age. By the way, doesn't it seem like I can stay with an activity for a longer time? The last thing that I want to say is that I think I know more words, and even understand some of them.

I guess some of these things do describe me, and others may describe some other kids my age, but not me.

Do you remember Tuesday, when I'd been in school all day, then went to my math tutor, then went to hockey practice, then went to clarinet practice? I wasn't in a very good mood in the car, and you said, "You're probably just tired" Well, I was more than tired. I was on overload and just wanted to be home and able to chill out. I know that you really want me to do these things, and there are times when I like some of them, but a lot of the time, I just want to be home on the computer or doing something else in my house. Gee Dad., do you have a clue what I'm talking about? And Mom, please don't get mad at me for saying these things, because I really love the both of you very much.

Please pause for a moment and digest this "message." Does it make sense, or not? What non-verbal cues may have been expressed by your child to affirm what he may have been thinking and feeling? Do some of the typical age-appropriate behaviors presented in this "message" fit your child? Which ones?

Here I am, nearly but not quite five years old. I know that the two of you think that I'm cute, but I'm not really sure what that means. Anyway, you know when I'm doing lots of things, like going to preschool and playing soccer and being carpooled to dance class? Well, sometimes I think, what's it going to be like when I'm seven or eight or even 10? Does that mean that I'll never be home? I just wondered, you know. I really love you a lot and I'm really not complaining, but sometimes I really get confused. And one more thing, I know that I've had lots of energy and been a little out of bounds, but you'll see, I'll gradually become more confident and calm, now that I'm going to be five. Don't you think that my co-ordination has gotten a lot better? Sometimes I forget to be careful because I think that I have all of these new found strengths. My printing has improved, as has dressing myself--well, sometimes kids my age can better understand what "time" is all about, but I'm not there yet. But I do like to go off on my own more and sometimes I'm demanding and other times co-operative. This must be very confusing to you. Well, the really important thing is that I love you and know that you love me.

As a parent, can you recall your child ever giving you any cues that would make you wonder what they were thinking and not yet able to say?

Well, it's almost here--my very first birthday, and I'm walking--well, sort of. You must admit that I'm really getting around. I guess with my birthday and all everybody's really excited. I was thinking, are things really going to be different for me as I get older? You know, like my brother, who is out a lot. Will I be going places and doing many things? What are you planning for me? And, is it really true that you've put me on a list for a very fancy nursery school? I'm not sure what these things mean yet. By the way, I heard that I was supposed to be doing certain things, now that I'm almost one year old. I think I do some of these things, like, have you noticed that I now point or show you what I want? And I do respond to simple verbal requests and even listen to "no." I even try to imitate some words. When you show me a picture of say what it is, I sometimes can look at the right one. I'm still shy and nervous around strangers, and want Mommy to make me feel safe. Do you see how I can sometimes eat with my fingers? I really like large building blocks, balls, toy telephones, and cardboard books with large pictures. Do you think that it sounds like me or maybe almost? I want to end this by telling you how much I love you.

The "messages" from your children are the most important source of information you, as parents, should utilize when making decisions related to planning their activities, whether they be educational, recreation, or a combination of these. I would like to offer some additional guidelines, which are a compilation of various responses by parents, as well as children, in a group discussion format, as well as some of my own observations.

Always include your child in choosing an activity. This can be accomplished through verbal, non-verbal, and interactional cues given to you by your child.
Become aware of the individual strengths of your child, on an ongoing basis.
Reflect, as parents, on the motivation for your choices of activities. It's alright to want your child to model you. However, it is not alright to choose activities that are more of an interest to you than they are to your child.
Look carefully at your child's face and her expressions related to how much more she can take in and, more importantly, utilize in a reasonable manner.
Every environment has families who are consciously trying not to overschedule their kids or let their dreams of greatness overwhelm them. Ally with these families to keep your own expectations in check. An author of Understanding Your Child offered the recommendation that we, as parents, should avoid adding to the Palm Pilot Generation, in which even young kids are so scheduled that they need a personal assistant to keep it all straight.

I wish you great success in attempting to master the dilemma of reaching a healthy balance between being your child's advocate and, under pressure,

Samuel S. Cardone, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who has a private practice in

Winnetka. He also consults to local schools, as well as mental health and Substance abuse agencies in Chicago.