“NO” IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD: EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN

“NO” IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD: EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN
By Dr. Katherine Nicklin

Several years ago, I sat across from a mother in my office who detailed the exploits of her seemingly out-of-control six-year-old. Asked how she handled the situation when he insisted on having his way, this very earnest and loving mom explained how she would get down to his eye-level and patiently explain to him why it was not a good idea for him to do whatever it was he wanted to do. When he continued misbehaving, she would explain again, trying to keep her voice modulated and her emotions in check. Repeated explanations failed to produce change in the youngster and the mother became increasingly frustrated. She asked what else she could have done in the situation. Providing variants on the theme of NO, such as "Stop it", "Knock it off", and "No way, pal, she gasped and incredulously asked, "Is it really okay to say those things?"

Yes, it is okay for parents to state their position and stick to it. No, their child's psyche will not be irreparably damaged. In fact, children feel safe when they know the rules of the household and know that their parents are capable of enforcing the rules. Anxiety goes down when children know what to expect and know that their parents will maintain control of the household.

Do Mommy and Daddy have to turn into Attila the Hun to make their children mind? No. Dr. Diana Baumrind detailed the three basic parenting types: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive, while also researching the resulting personality characteristics of children raised according to those methods.

expectations and demand unquestioned obedience from their children, producing children who perform moderately well in school and are not behavior problems, but who have lower self-esteem, more depression, and fewer social skills than peers.

Children of permissive parents-- who do not discipline effectively but who are nurturing and somewhat indulgent--tend to rate high in impulsivity, low in responsibility, and low in independence while often high in self-esteem and social skills.

high standards and good control, but who allow their children more psychological freedom to learn and question in a warm and responsive child-centered environment. Their children also perform well in school and do not have behavior problems but also are more self-confident and socially competent than others.

As would be expected, the worst outcomes in all dimensions come when children are neglected. As teens, these children often have difficulty with

From this research we learn that parents should be in charge of the household but in a way that is respectful of each person's individuality. Dr. Kenneth Kaye writes about developing family rules with the whole family's participation. Everyone gets a say about what are appropriate expectations and ensuing consequences; parents listen to everyone and help develop coherent, fair, and workable practices--not exactly a democracy because parents do have veto power, but clearly enlightened. With the rules developed, reinforcing limits becomes much easier. When a problem arises, the parent merely states the rule. The child either complies and receives positive reinforcement or receives the previously determined consequence without further discussion, power struggle, or argument. The child makes the choice and is responsible for his or her actions. For example, if the child

refuses to pick up toys, the parent reminds the child of the rule: "You know toys must be picked up before bedtime." If the child refuses to comply, stating "I'm tired" or "I'll do it tomorrow," the parent says "No, it has to be done tonight" and withdraws so that the child can do the task without the opportunity for continued pleadings and without losing face. If the child continues to stonewall, the

pre-selected consequence is enforced without discussion. No TV the next day or whatever was agreed upon for that offence. Obviously, there are special

dinner table. However, exceptions truly must be exceptional and not become the rule. (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish have a plethora of wonderful tips in their long-time best-selling books.)

What about the very clever child who states that they would rather not watch TV the next day than pick up their toys? "Your choice, my friend." The next day, of course, the toys are still on the floor and the TV is still off. This could

continue indefinitely with the result being that the television is put up for sale.

Children learn from trial and error; if errors are not permitted, they will lose the confidence to regulate themselves. When difficulties arise or mistakes are made, focus on what can be learned from the situation and how it could be handled better the next time rather than on the fact that an error was made.

Provide a warm, stable, responsive environment in which the child knows what to expect and can feel safe and motivated to explore.
Observe your child for signs of readiness for new activities. Recognize that stubbornness and defiance may be signals that the child is striving for independence - don't take it personally!
Allow your child to learn from trial and error.
Validate the difficulty of mastering new activities but support progress.
Be consistent :
- in expectations
- in responses to the child
Refrain from fixing or micromanaging a child's efforts, e.g. remaking bed or fussing over spills while drinking from cup.
Maintain boundaries. We are talking about the child's control of SELF, not control of the whole family. Each individual family member, including mom and dad, has rights and responsibilities that need to be respected by the family as a whole.
Allow natural consequences to work when safe.
Reward with positive parental acknowledgments such as a pat on the back or a nod.
Attribute pro-social values to the child.
Find ways to help your child develop competence:

Discipline means teaching, not punishing Discipline means "to teach" and has very little to do with punishment. Authoritative parenting essentially means having the children become disciples to a wise and caring self-regulated parent so that they can learn to be wise and caring self-regulated individuals. If siblings fight unfairly, an appropriate way of teaching them to respect the responsibilities inherent in the social order is to banish them from each other's company for an hour. It doesn't matter whether they are playing Game Boy or Barbies by themselves, they will learn that, if they want to play with others, they will have to learn to play respectfully. This lesson learned in the home milieu then translates into the larger social order outside the home.

Teaching, of course, does take time and effort. It is not convenient for a mom to leave a full grocery cart at the Jewel while she removes a toddler screaming for candy at the check-out counter.

However, fifteen minutes sitting quietly with the child in the car - mom in the front, child in her car-seat - until they are ready to return to collect the groceries without causing a disruption and without purchase of the desired candy will pay off handsomely in the future. Two children fighting in the back seat of the car will stop when dad pulls the car off to the side of the road, turns off the ignition, and waits silently until quiet reigns. Rules can be stated when peace is restored: "Whining buys nothing;" "Car safety requires driver sanity." These tactics usually do not need to be repeated more than once; the point is made and taken. One caveat: in this article we are talking about children without special physical, emotional, or developmental circumstances that would warrant modified approaches.

My favorite teaching method, aka discipline, is the telling of stories. After the bath, the books, and the bundling in bed, the parent turns out the lights and the bed-time story begins. Based on the fable and fairy-tale tradition, creatures are used to relate a problem and methods - both good and bad - for solving the problem. The stories can be interactive with the child supplying names or ideas for resolution if they choose to. A few story rules: wait a few days after a "problem situation" before that situation finds its way into a plot line; use animals instead of humans as characters to provide some psychological distance; don't use names of family members or friends; try not to frighten; keep them to 5 or so minutes. When your bright child recognizes the plot, you issue a disclaimer that the story is about a bunny named Sarah who is jealous of the new baby bunny in her family, not a child named Susie. You know they get it and they know you get it. But comfort is taken from learning how they might deal with a situation in the future as well as knowing that they have been understood and accepted by their parent.

Mutual respect, understanding, and acceptance form the basis of all good relationships, parent-child being no exception. Yes, control and discipline form necessary components of good parenting but do not produce good results unless caring and responsiveness are also present. Both are needed; both are forms of love; both help children know that they are under the protection of wise parents who know how to keep them safe and how to teach them about the world in which they live.

The world is full of wonders for exploration. Parenting is one of those wonders that, if approached with a steady head and a steady heart, provides endless joy and pleasure. Keep in mind that you can act like a parent and your child can act like a child. Trouble starts when we expect the children to act like adults and the adults act like children. In a variation of the Old West dictum: "Stick to your guns and keep your humor dry.

Katherine Nicklin, Ph.D., is a psychologist at Psychoeducational Services in Winnetka. She has presented many parenting workshops for the Alliance and is a frequent contributor to this newsletter.