<< back to Parenting/Family Issues

The Myth of the Perfect Parent: Understanding Your Own Parenting Style

By Janet Penley, founder of the Mothers of Many Styles seminar and
co-author of “The M.O.M.S. Handbook: Understanding Your Personality Type in Mothering.”

When I became a mother, I so wanted to do it right. I attended parenting classes and tried to do everything by the book. I disciplined with logical consequences, used time-outs, and invited my child’s age plus one to birthday parties. Then one Saturday morning, while I was carefully arranging the matching plates and napkins for my six-year-old son’s birthday, he bounced in to inspect the decorations. “Get out of here!” I shrieked, “Can’t you see I’m trying to make a nice birthday for you?” The irony of my words hit me. I had tried to do everything right yet it felt so wrong. In that moment I decided that perhaps I should stop turning outward for answers and start tuning into my own values, beliefs and way of being.

Many organizations use a framework of personality type developed by Carl Jung and measured by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to talk about the pros and cons of different management styles. I wondered, why not parenting styles, as well? After more than a decade of research and study, I have come to understand how personality type can help parents understand their strengths and struggles in parenting. After hundreds of interviews and workshops, two truths have emerged:

Good parents come in many styles. There is no one “right” way to be a good parent. Each of us brings strengths to parenting that feel as natural as breathing.

Every parent is a mixed bag.  No matter what, we’ll never erase our humanness. Fortunately, children don’t need perfect parents because, as human beings, they themselves will never be perfect either.

What’s your parenting style?

Your personality type is determined by your preference in four categories: energy, attention, decision-making, and lifestyle. In each pair, choose which description seems more like you.

Energy:
• Extraverted parents are energized by going, doing, interacting and  experiencing. They are typically “in the know” and get children out to experience the world. Too much time isolated at home can make them feel shaky and ungrounded. They are uncomfortable with a child who is more of a loner and needs a lot of solitude.
• Introverted parents are energized by solitude and time alone.  They are observant, reflective and prefer one-on-one interactions. They know their children as individuals and  provide them with “downtime” to unwind and recharge. Drained by too much interaction, they must guard their energy to make it through the day without exploding.

Attention:
• Sensing parents focus on details and specifics. They attend to practicalities and the here and now. Hands-on parents, they see to children’s basic needs and do concrete activities with them. They struggle to join in a child’s imagination or understand a child who is different. They can get stuck in a rut.
• Intuitive parents focus on the big picture and possibilities. They quickly leap from facts to patterns and themes. They encourage children’s creativity and imagination, point up options and offer them choices. Drained by the nitty-gritty, they struggle to deal with practicalities and be realistic.

Decision-making:
• Thinking parents trust logic, objectivity and impersonal analysis. They let children do for themselves, foster  independence and answer children’s why’s in order to fuel their rational development. They struggle to tune in to and be patient with children’s irrational feelings.
• Feeling parents rely on values, feelings and personal information to    decide. They strive to be physically and emotionally close, attuned to   children’s feelings, and go to great lengths to make them happy. Seeking family harmony, they struggle to say no and be firm if it may cause conflict.

Lifestyle:
• Judging parents are intentional    parents who like structure, plans, limits, and order. They are adept at organizing day-to-day living so kids feel secure and don’t miss out. They aim to get things done, on time, and in the right way, but struggle to adapt to the unexpected, relax and have fun.
• Perceiving parents take things as they come and keep their options open. They are flexible and spontaneous, and generally tolerant and accepting of children. They enjoy hanging out and can be relaxed about clutter, but struggle to do chores regularly and keep the house in order.
 
Sixteen types
 
With this framework, there are sixteen different personality types, and that means sixteen different parenting styles—each with unique strengths and struggles. For example, my type preferences are Introversion-Intuition-Feeling-Judging (INFJ) and I’m the “Know Thyself” Parent. For me, the joy of parenting is self-discovery – both for my children and myself. I struggle with clutter, disorder, and over-accommodating. My best friend’s type is Extraversion-Intuition-Thinking-Perceiving (ENTP), the “Independence” Mom. She helps children gain confidence being on their own in the world, but clingy children and daily routines can drive her up the wall.
 
How to recharge your batteries

Each of us finds different aspects of parenting draining and has a unique way to recharge.  Your personality type can help you devise a daily nutrition plan for your psychic energy–what to avoid and what gives you energy. If you have enough energy, you’ll do your best parenting. When you are running low on energy, you are more apt to make the mistakes you regret later.

Here is what each type needs to maintain energy:
• Extraversion: Adult conversation, action, variety. “When my children were little our long distance phone bills were sky high, but talking to friends was how I stayed energized.”
• Introversion:  Privacy and time alone. “Thirty minutes alone in my room without interruption just to think would decrease my yelling by 95%.”
• Sensing: Feeding five senses, rich sensory stimulation. “A walk in a spring garden or an afternoon shopping is a great pick-me-up.”
• Intuition: New ideas, perspectives, and dreams. “Anything mind-expanding—taking a class, talking to an interesting person, or reading a thought-provoking book–turns me on.”
• Thinking: Objective validation of your competence. “I get my warm fuzzies from promotions, raises, A’s, and awards.”
• Feeling: A break from focusing on others needs. “Without regular ‘me’ time, I give and give until there’s  nothing left.”
• Judging: A place or project to organize, control, and complete. “I love my Daytimer; it’s the one place where I have everything under control.”
• Perceiving: Freedom from a tight schedule. “ I love a calendar with plenty of white-space.”
 
Family interactions

Type is a great tool for self-understanding, but it is an equally powerful paradigm for understanding family relationships. Often we think someone doesn’t care or is making trouble simply because we don’t understand their natural way of being. I hear, “I thought there was something wrong with my husband because he didn’t like to socialize, but now I see he simply prefers Introversion.” Or, “Now I understand why my daughter and I are always fighting. We are both Js and think our way is the right way. Being flexible is hard for both of us.”

In my family, my son and I have opposite personality preferences on all four dimensions. Knowing type has helped us turn a potentially disastrous parent-child relationship into one that is mutually respectful and fun. Before jumping to a negative conclusion, I ask, “This is how I’m interpreting your behavior. What am I missing?” When our approaches collide, I no longer argue about who’s right, I say “O.K. How can we work it out for next time?”

Type knowledge has helped me become a more effective parent. It can help you, too.

To learn more or to purchase The M.O.M.S. Handbook, call 847-251-4936 or visit www.momsconnection.com.