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<< back to Values/Moral Development Raising Children: Lifelong Lessons from a Superintendent (and Parent) One would think that after raising my own children for 32 years and having the opportunity to work with parents raising their children for 39 years that I should have answers when asked “What have you learned about raising children?” But the more years of experience I have, the more I realize that there aren’t universal answers to this question because each child is so unique, and even more complex by his/her unique dynamic in each family, school, and community. It is with humility that I offer reflections that may be of use. When I began as a teacher, I had parent conferences and freely shared advice with parents as to how to get their children to bed on time, how to be in close contact with their children’s friends, particularly when they became teenagers, and a myriad of other things. Then I had my own children and ate a lot of humble pie. What I learned in a very short amount of time is that we can’t shape and mold children as much as we think. We do have a powerful influence, however, and one of our first tasks as a parent is to know ourselves well enough that we know what influences we are having on our children ,whether it’s inadvertent or direct. Raising children is not about us and how we shape them. It’s about them and how we support them. Controlling children’s lives Let me just say a few words about the linearity first. As I look back on the academic careers of my sons, their friends and the many students I’ve known, it is obvious that their placement in 7th grade math did not determine their college placement or their success beyond college. Lives are much more complex than that. I’ve also decided that our very best efforts at controlling our children’s environment can create inadvertent consequences, not always for the better. I confess that, like most parents, I wanted my children to grow up in a perfect world—one filled with joy rather than sadness, comfort rather than pain, love rather than hate, and success rather than failures. What I’ve found over the years is that no matter how much we try to shield our children, life is filled with the disappointments of dreams unfulfilled, the setbacks of failure, the pain of losses, and much more. I’ve learned that the role of the parent isn’t necessarily to keep our children in a bubble so they don’t experience life’s trying moments, but hopefully what we can do is help them cope with life’s ups and downs. What better time than when they’re with us and we can still support them and help them in building the necessary skills. There has emerged within the last decade a strong research base on the concept of resiliency. Most of the studies define it as the ability to use energy productively to emerge from adversity stronger than ever. Resiliency The first dimension is that of interpretation. We all choose how to interpret bad things that happen to us. The filter with which we use to interpret what’s happened and our ability to influence an outcome serves as the single most powerful factor in predicting our resilience level during difficult times. This interpretation can be described as an expression of your relative optimism. It’s viewed along a scale from unrealistic pessimism to unrealistic optimism.
Capacity for resilience is both developmental and learned. Since our capacity is fueled by the belief that we can make it through and use the resources available to us, it is important for us to remember as parents to listen to the messages we give our children as we support them through challenges. Do we convey optimism or pessimism about the outcome? While teaching our children coping skills, do we convey that they can overcome challenges or do we take them on and thereby inadvertently convey that they can’t? Do we encourage them to take care of themselves during these times physically? Do we encourage them to stay focused on positive emotions and let go of negative emotions? Do we encourage them to ask for help and convey that reaching out for resources is a sign of strength? The other thing we need to keep in mind is what we are modeling in our own lives. We need to ask ourselves the same questions of ourselves. Do we convey that we believe in ourselves? Do we take care of ourselves physically? Do we stay focused on positive emotions and let go of the negative emotions? Are we comfortable asking for help and see it as a sign of strength? There are several other things that fuel our ability to bring our capacity to action. One is our core values. By core values, I mean what an individual values and views as mattering to them, including the ethical principles about what’s right and wrong, trust, fairness, and citizenship. A key to remember is that the stronger one’s core values, the more they can draw on them during times of crises or difficult times. The importance of spirituality Let me say a little bit more about what I mean here. I see three important pieces in the development of our children’s and our spirituality–the cultivating of ones gifts, the development of ones core values, and the emerging of purpose beyond ones self-interest. I believe strongly that each of us has been placed here with a certain set of gifts and it’s our task to embrace them and use them for the greater good. This isn’t totally altruistic. It’s the core of a meaningful and purposeful life. The greatest gift you can give your children is to explore your own gifts and your own purpose. I have a poem that I read often when I’m questioning why I’m doing what I’m doing or if I can continue to do what I do. It goes like this. The Way It Is There is a thread you follow. It goes among If you understand and follow your thread, you will be modeling for your children one of the most important “big lessons” in life. As your children begin to think about their own gifts and thread, you can help them on their journey. References Dr. Becky van der Bogert has been the superintendent of the Winnetka Public Schools since 1994. She will retire in June, 2007. This article summarizes remarks made by Dr. van der Bogert at a talk given to FAN in the spring of 2006. This article was first published in the Fall 2006 issue of Early Childhood. |
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