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Self-Esteem and Achievement: Insights from a Superintendent (and Parent)
By Becky van der Bogert

The concept of self-esteem is challenging. It evokes a great deal of emotion, calls on each of us to look more closely at our beliefs, reminds us of the complexities of the human experience and makes us attend to the uniqueness of each individual.

I can remember the beginning of my own personal journey of trying to make sense of this concept. The setting was a graduate school class and the activity was to reflect on what the readings from the night before meant to us as educators, particularly focusing on self-esteem. We had been asked to read the works of Erickson and Maslow.

Still in the young and foolish mode of the student who always had the answers quickly and easily, I felt the task was a simple one. I jotted down the assumptions I thought were clear from the readings:

• Learning is impeded among children with a low self-esteem.
• A positive self-esteem is enhanced by a sense of accomplishment and the ability to make things happen.
• If we set expectations for children that are consistently unachievable, we are contributing to a low self-esteem and feeling of being unable to make things happen.
• Likewise, if we set expectations too low and praise children for achievement that comes too easily, we convey another message about their capabilities and could contribute to a low self-esteem.

I looked around the room and couldn’t understand why everyone else in the class was writing what appeared to be dissertations. Little did I know it was because they’d already been either classroom teachers or parents. I, on the other hand, was the student, seeing things simplistically through the eyes of theory. It wasn’t until I had worked with the concept in the classroom and then became totally humbled by parenthood that I began to understand the complexities of it. I was repeatedly reminded of the need for on-going discussion and understanding, and the need for parents and educators to construct their own meaning in regards to what they believe and what they want for their own children.

I discovered on this journey that there are reasons for the elusiveness of the concept of self-esteem. The first is that the concept itself, like any concept involving the development of individuals, is complex, evasive and could even be called enigmatic. The second is that we each think about, define and view self-esteem very much in keeping with our own personal experiences and beliefs about human nature--all of which are unique. The third is that a close look at self-esteem eventually leads to a discussion of values and human judgment--complex by definition.

Unfortunately, discussion about this very complex topic has recently deteriorated into a simplistic either/or debate of how the focus of self-esteem has interfered with achievement. I contend that this is a false dichotomy and the more appropriate question is: "What is the interaction of achievement and self-esteem and what does this tell us about raising happy, healthy, responsible children?" This question leads us to a much richer investigation of looking at individual children within the context of families, school and society at-large.

This also leads us to two questions that I think are useful for both educators and parents to personally explore. The first is the way in which each of us defines achievement. Do we think achievement is making the honor role? Or being there for a friend? Or understanding a complex concept? Or winning in sports? Or a combination of things? If so, how do we set priorities if we can’t do it all? There are a wide variety of perfectly acceptable answers to this question. What is important is that each of us as educators and parents is clear in what we personally believe and hold uppermost in our minds with an awareness that a child’s choice of achievements is greatly shaped by significant others such as ourselves. Once we become clear in what we view as achievements, we must also remember Emerson’s words, "What I do is far louder than what I say."

The second question I’ve found useful to explore is how we determine our expectations for children and in turn judge whether a child is able to meet those expectations. Once again, there are no clear answers, but it is important that each of us is thoughtful in our exploration. This is where the close collaboration of teacher and parent becomes a fruitful opportunity to engage in thoughtful discussions around this question to help stretch one another’s thinking, provide another perspective on the child, and struggle together through what is best for the child.

I have had many ‘moments of truth’ as I’ve explored the interaction of self-esteem and achievement, both as a parent and as an educator. I can remember vividly the very moment that I personally made a clear connection between achievement and self-esteem in relation to my first son.

I was returning after a long run. I was flushed with that wonderful euphoric feeling of having worked through that moment of thinking I couldn’t make it any farther (commonly known among runners as ‘hitting the wall’) only to find out I could and then some. As I looked at my son playing in the living room, I couldn’t help but think how I hoped for him the opportunity to experience such a feeling. It struck me like a thunderbolt! I could perhaps be keeping him from this very experience through my efforts to protect him from any struggles.

I watched myself very closely over the next couple of days and realized the number of times I would protect my son from trying things for fear he may not be able to do them. It became quite clear to me that my task wasn’t to protect him from "hitting the wall," but to use my judgment as to when it was appropriate to protect him because the wall was totally impossible to get through, cheering him on when he was willing to try and picking him up and helping him learn from not making it. My role was not simply to see that he always succeeded. It was far more complicated than that. Facing this reality was not easy, but I believe that it has been far healthier for my son’s self-esteem.

I urge that we all enter into a conversation about the issue of self-esteem and achievement, seeing all of the complexities and not looking at it as a simplistic either/or discussion. This is what we stand for in Winnetka--parents and teachers pulling together and examining very complex issues around the development of each individual child.