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Separation: A Continuing Task of Childhood (and beyond) When my youngest son went off to college a number of years ago, he said, "Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll only be gone 219 days of the year!" In trying to reassure me, he was trying to reassure himself that the big separation that lay ahead was not as daunting as he feared. Life is filled with separations—many minor ones, on a daily basis, like Mom or Dad going off to work in the morning, and some major ones, like going off to college, changing jobs, moving to another place and, ultimately, death. There was a time in our society when most babies and young children were almost exclusively with their parents—in particular the mother—for the first few years. We read about and experienced "eighth month anxiety,’ that phenomenon that was the hallmark of the baby’s firm attachment to mother, and panicky reaction to all the strange faces that were not mother’s. Separation is different in today’s world Nowadays, many babies go off to day care whenever the maternity leave ends, some time between six weeks and six months or their care is provided at home by multiple caregivers which might include: mother, father, nanny or au pair, each of whom has a unique style in which he or she interacts with the child. What does a constantly changing array of caregivers do to the young child’s sense of attachment and belonging? Is separation still an issue to be reckoned with? Probably one of the first and most significant separations is when the eight or nine month old discovers that he can reach the toy that’s across the room by crawling to it, and that this capacity to be on the move opens new vistas—in the next room and beyond. But having traveled there with eagerness and curiosity, the infant now finds himself alone. All is well when mother, father or big brother come running to the rescue to quiet the baby’s anxious tears. The reassurance of the rescue lays the ground work for gibber and better forays into the challenging world around. What makes this kind of separation so helpful and important is that the child is in control of it, that it’s an active leaving, rather than a passive "being left.." Helping children with separation How can we prepare children for the separations that are "endured" rather than initiated and that begin when neither language nor the clock or the calendar can be used to prepare for the parting and the reunion? How significant are the comings and goings of parents, baby sitters, nannies, teachers when these start so early and happen so frequently? The constancy and intensity of the parents’ emotional investment, the regularity of the contact and the growing certainty that the parents will be there equip the young child with the capacity to master the separations that are an inevitable and necessary part of life. Though quality and quantity of time spent together matters, it is the enduring parental commitment that creates the crucial bond between parents and children. Strong attachment makes for the work of separation. To ease that work, gradual introduction to new caregivers and allowing time to make transitions provide the young child with the opportunity to accommodate to and tolerate the changes. As language becomes available, talking about the impending departure of significant people, or changes in the routine, trips or moves helps the child master these situations, for not being caught unawares gives one a greater sense of control and makes one for a more active participant in whatever is happening. Transitional objects like the teddy bear of blanket that goes to preschool or the favorite pillow that goes to college help to ease the pain and maintain the connection to the safe harbor that is home. Even with careful preparation, beginning school, whether it be preschool, grade school, high school or college, creates anxious moments for many children and parents. The challenge of getting to know new peers and new adults and learning many new skills may shake ones confidence and create doubts about ones acceptance. Strangers pass judgment on successes or failures. It doesn’t take long for a first grader to know that the "bluebirds" read better than the "yellow birds," and such ratings can bring into question ones own competence. Parents feel that they child’s success or failure is a measure of their parenting and, in addition, they are no longer able to protect and cushion the blows of external reality. So these separations are fraught with special hopes and special anxieties. The various rites of passage from preschool or kindergarten "graduations" to first communion, bar or bat mitzvah and, Sweet 16 parties all have implicit in them the theme of moving on, of separation mastered successfully, on the way to becoming an autonomous and independent person.
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