|
|
Setting Limits Helps Build Respect for all Family Members Dinner’s on the table, but your 4-year-old insists on watching the end of the TV show... while the food gets cold. It’s 10 p.m. You’ve been trying to get the kids to bed for over two hours, but they keep finding reasons to prolong climbing into bed and turning off the light... and you’re exhausted. You hate to take your 3-year-old grocery shopping because you know there’ll be a scene at the cereal aisle, at the checkout counter... or both. Sound familiar? You’re not alone if you’re concerned about the negative behavior of your young children. As parents search for strategies to manage such behavior, they feel they have little influence over the daily life of their household. They often find their children to be disobedient, contrary, talking back, dawdling, tantruming, demanding. Looking closely at the situation, we often find a general lack of respect in the family environment. Most parents have certain expectations of their children. We expect children to separate from us so that they are able to attend school and stay with babysitters or other caregivers. It is healthy for them to eat and sleep on schedule. It is important that they learn to share their things, to be able to change from one activity to another calmly, to wait their turn, to dress and undress within a reasonable amount of time, to get along with siblings and friends. Children who respond to these demands from their parents generally feel secure and happy. Limit setting and expectations for appropriate behavior are helpful guidelines for them. Set Appropriate Goals The early childhood years are the time when children need help with the regulation of their impulses. Parents must demonstrate to their children that they are responsible for their children’s health (emotional and physical) and safety and that they will set limits. Children must understand that their parents will make demands of them which reflect respect for the needs of the entire family. It’s important, however, that parents know the age appropriate capabilities of their youngsters so that they can set goals which are realistic. For example, it would be foolish to expect a two-year-old to bathe himself, put on his own pajamas, brush his teeth and put himself to bed. On the other hand, most eight-year-olds would be able to carry out these tasks with just a little supervision. Adults who guide children, whether they are parents, teachers or nannies, must become familiar with child development theory in order to set appropriate goals. There are some wonderful books that describe characteristics of each age. (The Gesell Institute of Human Development series by Louise Bates Ames, Ph.D. and Frances Ilg, M.D. publishes a wonderful series, starting with Your One Year Old; it includes one book for each year through age nine.) Parents Model Behavior Secondly, adult behavior must serve as a model for children. Acceptable behavior on the part of children springs from their observation of the characteristics and boundaries for such behavior from adults at home and at school. If you want your child to watch only an hour of television each day, what kind of example do you set if you are glued to the TV for six hours every Sunday? Consistency is Key Young children need predictability and routine in their lives. They derive a sense of security from the know-ledge that mealtimes, playtimes, rest and sleep happen at approximately the same time each day. They must be reassured that adults will help them stay within those routines and that limits will be set and adults will expect children to conform to those limits. Rigidity is not necessary. In fact, slight changes in the daily schedule are not only realistic, but constructive, as they enable the family to adjust to changing circumstances and they give children experience with flexibility. Making rules clear and being consistent in enforcing them is important. Children become confused if one day you insist that they clean up their toys before they are allowed to come to dinner, but the next day you pick up all the toys yourself. It is better to set rules ("No dinner until all toys are picked up and put away.") and stick to them most of the time (although nobody is 100% consistent). When all is said and done, much of what we are talking about when we address the issue of limit setting has to do with the issue of respect for and by each family member. Parents who give appropriate responsibilities to their offspring, set realistic goals and model this behavior are ensuring that the needs of the entire family will be recognized and respected. When these needs are recognized, the home environment will become more harmonious and children, learning consideration and understanding of others, will grow into responsible adults.
|
    |
