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HOW TO HANDLE SIBLING RIVALRY

There are few issues of child rearing that upset parents more than dealing with sibling rivalry. Refereeing endless fights and having to listen to "It’s not fair!" or "He started it!" dozens of times a day is wearing on the most patient parent.. Parents’ visions of family harmony and providing their children with lifelong companionship and built-in playmates are frequently shattered by the real-life realities of sibling rivalry.

Experts say that sibling rivalry is not always negative and that children learn important life lessons as they deal with their siblings. Child development specialist Charles A. Smith of Kansas State University believes that some conflict can be good. "Resolving issues can teach children how to solve problems. It also helps them learn to respect other people and appreciate compromise." Children can practice skills such as controlling anger and how to be a gracious winner or loser on their siblings.

We asked several North Shore parents to share some of the ideas that they have found successful in dealing with sibling rivalry. Here are some suggestions:

"Our four children take turns being ‘in charge.’ The child who is ‘in charge’ gets to sit in the front seat, push the elevator button, chose the TV shows for the day, and have first choice on which cookie, etc. This helps cut down on all those small issues that trigger sibling rivalry. We put the initial of the child who’s in charge on the family calendar so there is no question of who‘s turn it is. "

"Remember that what is fair is not always what is equal. No two children are exactly alike. Needs, tastes and interests all vary. We try to recognize our children as individuals now and no longer even attempt to be scrupulously fair, as total fairness is impossible to achieve anyway."

"At family dinners, we occasionally discuss our ‘family rules’ such as not yelling at each other, respecting others’ things and saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ Just knowing the ground rules that we expect help the kids get along."

"We sometimes use humor. After the kids have had a fight, we make them sit and stare at each other until they laugh."

"I have learned to intervene as little as possible. I stay out of it unless someone is physically in danger. I tell the kids that they have to work it out themselves and most often they do."

"We have realized that kids need their own things and shouldn’t be expected to share everything. I let my four-year-old chose five toys each day that he doesn’t have to share with his younger brother."

"We try hard not to compare our girls to one another or try to ‘motivate’ one child by suggesting that she try to be more like her sibling."

"To give each child time alone without siblings, my husband has ‘special time’ with each of our kids for the 15 minutes before each child’s bedtime. Each child can chose exactly what he wants to do during that time. One likes to be read to, one often likes to play a game and another has recently worked on Cub Scout advancement."

Loving Each One Best: A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings by Nancy Samalin offers a thoughtful discussion and some practical advice on this topic.