Snips, Snails and Puppy Dog Tails: Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys

Snips, Snails and Puppy Dog Tails: Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys
By Sally Hoit, Psy.D.

As boys develop, they are presented with many conflicting messages about who they are, how they should behave and how they should express their thoughts and feelings. In order for them to become emotionally secure, they need an environment that understands their biology, their thinking style, and their perspective.

Although each child is unique, there are some generalizations that we can consider. Baby boys tend to spend a great deal of time focusing on visual and spatial aspects of their environment and a lesser amount of time focusing on language aspects. Therefore, they develop numerous neurological connections favoring a “right brain” style of problem solving. Throughout life, males (in general) tend to demonstrate a preference for visual conceptualization over verbal conceptualization. This is an important consideration because it is very different from the developmental and thinking style of females. We need to keep this in mind as we raise our boys so that we can encourage their strengths.

In addition to this style of neurological development, a boy has hormonal issues to deal with. He often experiences surges of testosterone that increase his need for physical expression and his focus on his body. This is a perfectly natural situation, but one that can lead to misunderstanding by the adults around him. Labeling a boy “bad” when his aggression gets out of control gives a very lasting negative message. Since boys are often cared for by women, these caregivers need to understand that boys do not handle conflict in the same way they do.

The influence of a right brain thinking style and the impact of testosterone surges can lead to many behaviors that we might see in young boys:

· They are apt to take in one element at a time when dealing with their environment.

· They pay more attention to visual stimuli than to verbal stimuli.

· They pay less attention to voices if they don’t see the speaker directly.

· They enjoy manipulation of objects.

· They explore their environment physically.

· They understand spatial relationships.

· They rely on their own bodies for information, rather than combining experience with words.

· They exhibit vigorous motor activity.

· They manifest an energy cycle that consists of a short buildup of tension and quick gratification followed by total release.

· They turn toys into guns (regardless of the amount of TV they have seen!)

· They use their body, rather than words, to express aggression.

· They strive to be “best,” “first,” “powerful.”

· They are invested in “strength.”

· They enjoy great amounts of rough and tumble play.

· They take risks.

· They utilize a report style of language vs. a rapport style of language.

· They learn from a hands-on approach.

· They problem solve by using localized areas of the brain, rather than broad areas.

Early childhood presents many opportunities for a boy to learn about himself and his environment . However, we must be careful not to suppress a boy’s strengths by trying to make him fit a mold that is unsuitable for him. Our busy schedules and highly structured settings often ignore his needs, creating anger and irritability in a boy who is unable to positively release tension.

Because the young boy cannot “use his words” very well for conflict resolution, it is very important that his social interactions be closely supervised, with adults acting as supportive coaches. This close monitoring includes preparation, intervention and review. Before the child has a playdate, for example, a parent can discuss the plan, brainstorm with the child about what situations may come up, and decide what toys and activities would be appropriate. During the playtime, the parent can be tuned in so interventions can take place before any situation gets out of control. After the playdate, a discussion can center around the positive elements of the experience with only minimal comment on what did not go well.

As our boys grow, they are likely to become interested in sports activities. Unfortunately, it is often hard to find outlets for this interest that have not become overly competitive. In many of our schools, “popularity” is based upon participation on certain teams and playing levels. The cliques that are created by this situation are unhealthy for both the members and the outsiders. While boys like competition, we do them a great disservice when we allow adults to become over involved. As adults, we should be there to guide them toward individual skill development and good sportsmanship, but we should not use the child’s participation as a means to raise our own self-esteem. The play should be only for the child’s sake–winning and losing should not be the main focus.

The sad evidence of our inattention to boys’ needs is often seen in our schools. Structured academics have replaced much of the free play time in our kindergarten and first grade settings and are often developmentally inappropriate, particularly for boys. Today, boys are twice as likely to be labeled “learning disabled” as girls. Boys comprise the majority of special education classes and are ten times as likely to be diagnosed with ADD/ADHD as girls. They lag behind girls in reading scores. They are more likely to be disciplined, get suspended or drop out of school than girls. Many classrooms are geared toward a verbal learning style, neglecting the visual, hands-on learning style of boys. Because “boys will be boys,” we need to take the time to understand them, appreciating their strengths, encouraging their abilities, and helping them to communicate their needs effectively. We can do this by:

· providing space for movement and outdoor play.

· allowing them the time to manipulate objects and ideas.

· providing time for transitions.

· providing materials that interest them, such as building materials and computer learning games.

· offering opportunities for healthy competition.

· encouraging supervised peer activities.

· spending one-on-one time getting to know the child and the way he thinks and learns–his way.