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Spirited Children: Mostly Difficult or Merely Challenging Romona seldom stops pondering the ways of the world and how to change them. Madeline never ceases to act on her curious impulses. Dennis is on the go from morning till night devising ingenious solutions to situations no one else deems a problem. And Calvin, as Spiff, zooms through the reaches of his imagination on a rocket ship, away from any adult intrusions, with his trusted companion, Hobbes. Bad children? No, but certainly spirited, challenging and, at times, difficult children to raise. What do real life spirited children look like? Tantrums, verbal protests and physical clinging or refusal behaviors are the most obvious manifestations. It is often helpful, in order to change behaviors, to understand what is behind the behavior. The two most frequently occurring characteristics of spirited children, according to Dr. Stanley Turecki, are poor adaptability and high intensity. Transitions and abrupt environmental changes, whether major changes such as entry to school or minor transitions, such as going to bed, cause upsets which persist beyond what could be considered average. It can be difficult for these children to adapt to new situations or new ideas. Switching from TV time to bedtime or from sleeping to waking requires greater effort than it does for other children. Persistence, while a virtue in adult life, can challenge the patience of most parents and teachers when exhibited in a stubborn and inflexible child. Some spirited children have large physical energy stores which can exhaust their caregivers. Others require more energy from their caregivers in order to interact rather than withdraw from the world. A child careening out of control through a store or at a birthday party demands intervention. Yet so does a child who withdraws into herself, ignoring the world around her. Energy regulation becomes an issue for both. Dr. Stanley Greenspan identifies two more types of spirited children. The highly sensitive child feels more intensely than other children. He wants his clothes to be cotton because wool itches. He needs labels removed because they scratch his neck. He is often too hot or too cold. At times, it seems that his exquisitely tuned nerve endings require special everything. Emotionally, the sensitive child may feel the slights and teasing of others as attacks rather than as part of the daily human rhythm of life. However, he may also notice the sweetness of butterfly kisses, the tenderness of an appreciative glance and the scent of his grandmother’s talcum. The defiant child possesses a strong will that asserts itself automatically in response to directives. Initial reactions always seem to be "No!", and stubbornness persists in spite of entreaties, arguments, threats and logic. These children may well be the idealists and reformers of the future, but most parents find themselves asking: What did we do? What didn’t we do? What should we be doing? Where did these spirited, intense, persistent, active children come from? Nature and nurture work in tandem to affect development. Data from various twin studies has demonstrated that basic temperament, the qualities described by Greenspan and Turecki, result from genetic inheritance. Challenging children are born with predispositions to intense reactions. Parents and others in the environment can, however, exert tremendous influence over how a spirited child learns to harness his intensity and over the self-concept that the child develops. An active/aggressive child who learns to discipline and channel his basic temperament may find success in sports, academics and/or a sales career. A child who, because of his basic genetic make-up, has a propensity to act in a defiant manner, will develop differently if treated with warmth, empathy and discipline than he will if treated with scorn, punishment and rejection. What parenting strategies work best with high intensity children? Basically, the same strategies that work with other children but perhaps in greater quantity: love, acceptance, floor time, structure, flexibility, sensitivity, validation, empathy, humor, discipline and interaction. Foremost, the challenging child requires acknowledgment and acceptance of his difference. Getting negative attention, being more sensitive, having trouble regulating his energy or breaking everything in sight probably doesn’t feel good to your child, either. Know your child, her temperament, what triggers undesired behaviors and what she finds to be naturally soothing. A warm bath with lots of toy boats or foam blocks can ease the transition to bedtime for hard-to-adapt children. A quick romp in the park may help dissipate excess energy for an active child. Relabeling can work wonders. Instead of chastising a child for his clumsiness, non-judgmentally name the behavior and help the child regain control: "Looks like you’re moving too fast for that glass of milk. Let’s mop it up and try again more slowly." Develop a routine and warn children of upcoming changes in the routine: "I know it’s hard for you to stop what you’re doing, but the carpool comes in 10 minutes. I’ll give you another reminder in five minutes." Use a clock or timer so that the child learns to gauge the amount of time between a warning and a change. Learn to spot impending meltdown and intervene with an appropriate distraction. Spirited children need our help to devise routines, rituals and distractions that aid them in gaining or regaining control. Hardest of all, perhaps, try to maintain a neutral position to preclude personal embarrassment and guilt. Keep in mind that the behavior belongs to your child, not to you. Your job is to help your child modify and channel his intensity into positive, not negative, avenues. Family rules and a problem-solving orientation help. With the input of your child, decide what behaviors are out-of-bounds and what the consequences of each behavior will be for family members. Once in place, family rules help prevent the steady negotiation that many intense children engage in daily. The parent can calmly invoke the rule and carry out the consequence without feeling manipulated or guilty. The child controls whether or not to break the rule. This ultimately leads to greater security and self-esteem. One final note. It is all too tempting to try to redirect all manifestations of a child’s intense reaction at once. But consider what it feels like to a child to always hear negative comments or invocation of rules. He or she may begin to feel that there is nothing likable or worthy about them. Therefore, work on one behavior at a time, gradually building up a set of new behaviors while deepening the child’s intensity and self-esteem intact. Rules should be few in number and considerate of different temperaments. Discipline, after all, means to teach, not to punish. We want to teach our children ways of responding to their in-born drives and temperaments, not punish them for having those traits. Intensity, in all its guises, can be an asset and one that should be channeled but not broken. Enjoy all your little remains, Madelines, Dennis’ and Calvins. Their vitality enriches us all!
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