Talking with Children about War

Talking with Children about War
By Debra Gaetano, M.S. Ed, Executive Director - Harkness House for Children

We are all looking for reassurances at times like this. It is hard enough for adults to understand war yet we are expected to explain it to our children. How can we help them to understand what is going on without frightening them? The truth is - they are scared and so are we. How can we reassure them that everything will be all right when we don't really know what is going to happen? How do we answer the complicated questions that children have when there really are no easy answers?

They way that we address sensitive topics with children depends on their age and their level of development. However, there are some underlying principles that parents should always use:

Honesty - It is important to tell the truth. While it may be a tough road to travel, children need to know that they can count on their parents for information. In the long run, the open and honest communication between a child and a parent is the most important thing. It may be much easier to give a half hearted or false answer to a child's question. However, this will ultimately teach them that they can not count on their parents for honesty. With this in mind, honesty does not necessarily mean you need to tell them everything.

Simplicity - answer what the child is asking and see if it is enough. Allow your child time to process your response and see if there are follow up questions. Children will ask the questions and process answers until their "cup is full". Read your child's signs and be able to monitor if you are giving them enough or too much information.

Be first! - this is a tough one. Children are exposed to tough topics all of the time - on television, in the grocery store, from peers, etc. Whenever possible, be the one to address tough topics with your child first. Don't wait for them to hear the information from a secondary source. You know your child better than anyone and you can "arm" them with information that will better prepare them for what they receive from outside sources.

Infants and toddlers are not aware of what is happening on the news or in the papers. However, they are very aware of the impact that this information has on the adults around them. Infants have an innate ability to sense tension, stress, and fear and may become clingy, fussy, or restless. They need to be reassured that everything around them is safe and secure. If parents and caregivers are feeling overwhelmed, it is important that they seek adult support. By remaining calm and confident, you are sending a clear message to your child that their world is safe and secure.

Preschoolers will ask basic questions. For as basic as they may be, they may still be quite hard for adults to answer. How do you answer questions like, "What is war?", "Are people going to die?". They best answers that you can give are honest ones. War is when countries don't get along. Yes, people might die. What preschoolers really want to know is "Are you going to die, am I going to die, is the war in my backyard or at my school - am I safe?" The most important thing that you can do is reassure your child that he/she is safe and that the people around him/her are safe. Keeping the dialogue open with your child is crucial. Answer the questions that they have honestly and simply and you will find that you are reassuring them and helping to provide them with a sense of safety and security.

1) Try to find out what your child already knows, how they are handling it, and where they got the information. This will help you to structure your conversation.

2) Let them know that the situation is complicated and that it is even hard for adults to understand.

3) Make sure the conversation is reassuring. Tell your child your feelings and that you want to know their feelings as well.

4) Do not stereotype - take this opportunity to teach children about good versus bad but do not categorize people. Make sure to not say things like "Iraqi's and Muslims are bad people".

5) Understand that there is no "end" to tough conversations. Make sure that you keep the door open for communication. Understand that children have just as many questions and emotions as adults do and make sure that you are there for your child when he/she needs you!

Kids have a great deal of access to information that other generations have never had. Television and computers have created unlimited information that is at the fingertips of our children. However, this does not mean that our children are equipped to handle the information that they receive. It is almost impossible to completely shelter our children from the worlds' events. It is our responsibility to make sure that we are supervising our children's access to this type of information. Monitor the television, the radio, and monitor yourself. Be cautious of the conversations that you are having in front of your child. Remember, they absorb everything. A conversation that you may have with another adult will be overheard by any child in that room. Be aware of the context of your conversation and be willing to include your child in that conversation - or reserve the conversation for a more appropriate time and place.

Offer your child ways to be part of the solution. Help them to see how important it is to be nice to others. Explain to them what freedom is and show them the freedoms that they have. Help them to see that war is happening to safeguard our freedoms. Let them talk about it, draw about it, sing about it, act it out, and cry about it. As a family, do all that you can to help your child through this tough time and both your child and your family will be stronger in the end!