<< back to Emotional Issues

FROM TERRORIST ATTACKS TO SCHOOL PROBLEMS: HOW PARENTS CAN HELP CHILDREN DEAL WITH STRESS
By Lisa Cohen, M.A.

How to cope with stress, both our own and our children's, has been a more challenging task since the events of September 11 have altered the view of our world as a relatively safe and predictable place.  Managing our own stress becomes critical for our children, because their level of comfort and security depends largely on the extent to which we can make their environment a sensible one, and establish an atmosphere of safety and reliability.  Young children have difficulty regulating their tension states and need the calm steadiness of parents and teachers to maintain their equilibrium.  Helping children deal with stress has always been a challenge.

 Stress caused by many factors:

For every child, there are multiple factors that potentially produce stress.  First, there are those external situations that are beyond anyone's control, such as severe storms, floods, fire, accidents, terrorists' attacks,  serious illnesses, and the death of an important person.  These are particularly taxing because they have profound effects on the caregiving adults who are then often--at least, temporarily-- less emotionally available to calm and reassure the child.  These traumatic situations need to be talked about, played about, and worked through, which sometime requires the help of mental health professionals.  

There are many other external stressors that are of a less catastrophic nature, but, nevertheless, disturb the child's equilibrium.  Parental fighting, a move to a new neighborhood, the birth of a sibling, concern about family finances, the death of a pet, the child's difficulty with a friend or a teacher, lack of success in school at whatever level, all can be assumed to create stress for the  children to a greater or lesser degree.  

Internal stressors might arise from those constitutional givens that make a child unique and different from others.  The child with a feisty temperament may butt heads with parents who are equally forceful or may overwhelm a parent who, by nature, is somewhat shy and quiet.  A boy who is clumsy and uncoordinated may feel out of step with his athletically better endowed peers.  "Not getting picked" may cause loss of self-esteem and create stress.  The girl who is not articulate may feel pushed aside in a talkative family.  One who is clumsy may feel unattractive and unfeminine.  Some cognitive deficits can make a child feel the stress of "not getting it," of not fitting in, of being somehow less valuable.

And then, from early on, there are the purely internal stressors caused by physical growth and development, such as teeth pushing through gums, bowel and bladder not always being as controlled as one would like, physical growth taking place faster or more slowly than one is comfortable with.  Waiting for and fearing puberty are one of the many stressful occupations of the 12-14 year old set.

Add to this long list of potential stressors, the fact that life in an affluent suburban community requires a multitude of extracurricular activities that one is good at, and often brings with it a set of parents who suffer from pangs of guilt and doubt if their children don't live up to the communal standards of perfection.

Recognizing signs of stress

Children send a variety of signals when they are excessively stressed.  These signals run the gamut from irritability, excessive anger, excessive fatigue,  having trouble sleeping, to over- or under-eating.  Other symptoms might be nailbiting, twirling one's hair or pulling hair out, occasional wetting or soiling, and separation difficulties.  The list could go on, but the most important clue is a change in the child's usual behavior that lasts for more than a day or two and a loss of a general sense of well-being or reasonable contentment.

What can parents do?

As stated earlier, the remedy for symptoms caused by genuinely traumatic events might be seeking professional help.  For the more commonplace stress caused by the vicissitudes of life, it is important to try to help the child re-establish some sense of equilibrium and, when possible, alleviate the sense of helplessness that often comes with being excessively stressed.  Some concrete steps might be:

·          Talking about what you perceive to be a problem.  For example: "It's hard to have to sit down and do homework all afternoon and feel like you never get a break."

·          Try to find solutions.  For example: "Let's figure out what is the hardest thing to do and get it out of the way first when you still have some energy."

·          Get extra help when needed.  For example: "Let's talk to your teacher.  Maybe she has some   suggestions.  Maybe we could   find a tutor."

·          Make sure the child has time to relax and that there are enough time-outs to just do something pleasurable.

·          Review your child's schedule and see what could be dropped.

·          Be physically available without hovering.

·          Contain your own anxiety by sharing your worries with spouse or a friend and by finding your own things to do.

·          Reassure the child that, with time, many things work out.  For example, a new neighborhood will become familiar; a new baby will grow into a companion; parental strife will get resolved one way or another.

We could add many things to this list, but mostly it's important to reassure the child that the adults might get angry or upset or scared at times, but they will continue to love and protect and do their best to make them safe.  How many parents have had to say to their children's anxious questions, "Mostly people only die when they are really old," and, of course, there are statistics to prove this is really true.  Sometimes we get spooked when we have to reassure children that we will be around to take care of them, but we must all operate on the optimistic notion that we will be able to accomplish this and that, despite one kind of menace or another, life is worth living and enjoying.

·          Try to find solutions.  For example: "Let's figure out what is the hardest thing to do and get it out of the way first when you still have some energy."

·          Get extra help when needed.  For example: "Let's talk to your teacher.  Maybe she has some   suggestions.  Maybe we could   find a tutor."

·          Make sure the child has time to relax and that there are enough time-outs to just do something pleasurable.

·          Review your child's schedule and see what could be dropped.

·          Be physically available without hovering.

·          Contain your own anxiety by   sharing your worries with spouse or a friend and by finding your own things to do.

·          Reassure the child that, with time, many things work out.  For       example, a new neighborhood will become familiar; a new baby will grow into a companion; parental strife will get resolved one way or another.

We could add many things to this list, but mostly it's important to reassure the child that the adults might get angry or upset or scared at times, but they will continue to love and protect and do their best to make them safe.  How many parents have had to say to their children's anxious questions, "Mostly people only die when they are really old," and, of course, there are statistics to prove this is really true.  Sometimes we get spooked when we have to reassure children that we will be around to take care of them, but we must all operate on the optimistic notion that we will be able to accomplish this and that, despite one kind of menace or another, life is worth living and enjoying.