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WHAT’S ON PARENTS’ MINDS ON THE EVE OF THE MILLENNIUM?

By Marcia Adelman, Ed. D.

When parents of young children have a moment to reflect, what do their thoughts dwell on? In order to better serve local parents and their children, the Alliance has been trying to answer this question during the last three years.

We began by interviewing the directors and principals of thirty-two schools and organizations with an interest in young children in Winnetka and Northfield, including preschools, elementary schools, park districts, the Community House and the police departments. Then we held focus groups and telephone

interviews with mothers of young children. Our focus groups and telephone interviews were divided into three groupings: parents whose oldest child was birth to age three; those whose oldest was age three to five; and parents whose oldest was in kindergarten through third grade. Five issues emerged as those of concern to young families, including: time, uncertainties, outside pressures, isolation, and connections/loyalties. It is significant that the interests and concerns of the parents we interviewed were similar to those perceived by the professionals heading our schools and institutions. Here is a summary of our results.

Issues of Time and Its Uses

Concerns about time and its uses were evident for parents with children of all ages. For mothers of the youngest children, birth to age three, the overwhelming issue is time for themselves and the time crunch resulting from the many needs of infants and toddlers. Mothers report that even ordinary tasks, like taking a shower, can be a challenge. Mothers of children in kindergarten through third grade also feel a time crunch. Some noted that often time spent with their younger children consists mostly of taking them along in carpools for the activities of older siblings.

Childcare and afterschool care are important themes for parents of children from birth to age five, particularly for women who are balancing time spent with children and part or full-time employment. Some parents of the youngest children discussed their concerns about finding and working with nannies. Others spoke of seeking childcare for "short spurts" of time and a need for "a place to gather informally" with their children, such as a drop-in facility. The mothers of children in elementary school reported being very concerned about pressures on children’s unstructured time and the related issue of over-programming children.

Issues of Uncertainties

All groups of parents are affected by doubt and self-questioning. Parents of the youngest children are hungry for information, particularly about available resources, ranging from locating community programs to developmental information to nannies and childcare. The mothers of children ages three to eight want to do what is best and to be "right." Those who have chosen to stay at home have made a conscious choice—they are not "casual" parents. They seek and value expert advice, although they also respect self-sufficiency.

All of the parents focused on issues of quality of life and inner resources, such as patience and resourcefulness, especially those with infants and toddlers. Much of their inquiry is directed toward shaping the quality of life for themselves and their families. Mothers of children from three to eight contemplate the complexity of the parents’ role. Parents of younger children said that they want to discover a sense of their own style and the personal values of their family as they struggle with the role of parent. Although some parents want specific strategies for problem-solving and advice on implementation, others protest against seeing things in absolutes, and say that discussion both with experts and other parents helps them to clarify and deal with the intricacies of parenting. Important issues for parents of school-aged children include values of the family and differing models of family values. Often, indicating an area of concern, they noted, "I’m different," but sometimes they said, "I’m also caught up in it." They experience difficulty with setting limits and consistency in their parenting, but also feel that the struggle itself to attain these is valuable.

Issues of Outside Pressures

Parents of all age groups perceive external demands and obligations. Stress and anxiety for mothers of infants and toddlers is related to their sense of responsibility for their child. Mothers of preschool and grade-schoolers are strongly aware of anxiety, stress, and guilt, which some say can feel "overwhelming."

Parents of children in all age groups mentioned the pressure to keep up. Some parents of the youngest children respond to this pressure by enrolling their children in programs or classes to "prepare" their children. Mothers of preschoolers spoke vividly about competition and peer pressure for their children and the pressure of keeping up for themselves. They used the term "New Trier fear" and mentioned a recent newspaper article about the competition associated with college admissions. Parents of preschoolers feel these pressures trickling down to them.

Parents of elementary school children expressed a need to garner advantages or opportunities for their children. Some respond to this issue through early specialization for children. One mother said, "I didn’t start taking tennis lessons or whatever until age eight or so, but kids are starting when they are four now. There’s just a lot of pressure to have your kids doing all these things." Mothers of school-agers were particularly interested in determining what is age appropriate and also what is "locally appropriate." They are troubled by the perception that being average or ordinary is undesirable and they relate this to the very early specialization for children.

Issues of Isolation

All groups of mothers described feelings of isolation. Some feel that their nuclear family is isolated or different from their extended family, and all groups value belonging to and being part of a community, especially if new to the area. Some mothers voiced the need to "get acclimated." They rely on conversations with other parents and word of mouth to feel less removed. Mothers of the youngest children expressed the most interest in technology and the Internet. One reported being on-line while nursing her baby after midnight.

Those with infants, toddlers and preschoolers stressed the importance of making adult friendships. Parents of preschoolers focus on the importance of being in touch with the norm. They seek a sense of community and a place to informally gather with their children, such as an indoor playground or drop-in center. Mothers of elementary children spoke of the importance of connecting with and supporting one another.

Issues of Loyalties

Parents of all groups of children struggle against letting unrealistic expectations affect their feelings about their children and themselves. Mothers of infants and toddlers feel the "need for balance." Parents of older children noted the importance of "keeping your perspective" and "telling yourself that you’re OK." The parents of school-agers are concerned about projecting their own wishes on their children, but several of them said they’re "working hard not to."

What Can We Learn?

One way to view these issues is by looking at the age group of the family’s oldest child. Parents of children aged birth to three are adjusting their lives around this most dependent-aged child. While their children grow and develop and as their world expands to include classmates and friends, interactions with the world outside their immediate family complicate parents’ struggles to clarify their values as a family and to put them into action. As their own family cluster evolves, many seek to see themselves as distinct from the extended family of their own parents and siblings. Reaching out beyond the family to connect with friends, with role models, and with people with "mom-tested" advice, gives parents opportunities to feel support as they grow and learn, as well as chances to offer it to others.

Why do these ideas and themes dominate parents’ thoughts? Does this hold up a mirror to the pressures of our contemporary society? Are there qualities of life in our area that especially influence families of young children?

Now the Alliance would like to hear from you! What is your point of view? Contact us with your thoughts and ideas. We’ll provide you with more feedback.